


Little One

by Cinnamongirl



Series: Little One [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Dry Humping, F/M, Family Dynamics, Fluff and Angst, Kid Fic, Oral Sex, Slow Burn, actually pretty canon compliant except for the kid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-06 15:33:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1863054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinnamongirl/pseuds/Cinnamongirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of a diplomatic mage Hawke who is also a single mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The baby was barely able to hold her head up when the Blight started. Marian fled Lothering along with her mother, brother, sister, and her infant daughter Cecily, who was strapped to her back next to her staff. When they ran into darkspawn, Marian tried to keep them in front of her at all times and stay as far away from the combat as possible. She felt guilty about making her brother and sister do most of the fighting, but she reminded herself that they had a chance of protecting themselves. Cecily was depending on her. Marian healed her siblings as needed and tried to attack occasionally, when she thought she could get away with it without drawing the attention of the darkspawn.

 _Of course_ they met a Templar on the road. It didn't go as badly as it could have. Marian noticed that she was instinctively keeping her shoulders square and facing him at all times, instead of turning to the side to present a smaller target like she normally would when she felt threatened. She had a comment ready about how she was too exhausted from staying up all night and caring for a baby to summon demons or whatever he thought they were going to do, but that seemed like it might make things worse.

Marian was so intent on making sure Cecily was okay that she almost didn't see Bethany being crushed by the ogre. It wasn't until she tried to heal her that she realized she was dead. Marian forced herself to breathe evenly and not cry, but her chest still felt heavy. She focused on comforting her mother. Cecily slept through the whole ordeal.

They took a ship to Kirkwall. The baby spent most of the trip screaming and nothing Marian did seemed to calm her down. Carver didn't help the situation by grumbling about how they weren't supposed to be drawing attention to themselves.

The Hawkes and Aveline finally reached Kirkwall, only to find out that they couldn't get into the city. Cecily spontaneously started crying again, which echoed how Marian felt. They had to spend three days in the Gallows, surrounded by Templars. They weren't the only refugee family with children, but Cecily was by far the youngest. After spending all of her life trying to be as invisible as possible, Marian felt very conspicuous with a baby strapped to her back. It turned out to actually be beneficial. She attracted a lot of attention, but most of it was from sympathetic people who cooed over her daughter. Apparently an exhausted and dirty young mother didn't fit the stereotype of a dangerous apostate. 

Finally, her uncle Gamlen said that he had found people willing to pay for the family to enter the city, but Carver and Marian would have to work for them for a year. Marian looked at her clothes, which were stained with breast milk and spit-up and baby poop. She didn't want to think about how she smelled. “You really expect me to get a job like this?” she asked.

“I already told you, everything's been taken care of,” Gamlen said in an exasperated voice. “All you have to do is meet with them.” 

Somehow, Athenril agreed to talk with Marian even after seeing her. Smuggling sounded like it would be slightly less dangerous than mercenary work, so she and Carver signed on with her.

She hadn't been sure what to expect about the job. The work itself wasn't so bad if she didn't think too much about what she was doing, and Athenril apparently had enough power to keep the Templars from noticing her. The biggest problem was that the hours were very inconsistent and she didn't always know how long jobs would take. When she was gone for more than a few hours, her breasts would get painfully swollen and start leaking. She only did the minimum that was required of her, rushing back to Gamlen's house in between jobs to feed Cecily. Carver occasionally volunteered to do extra tasks, but Marian always refused. She knew that she should be focused on making a good impression and networking so that she could find work after the year was up, but it wasn't fair to expect her own mother to spend more time taking care of the baby than she already was. Athenril was obviously unhappy, but she couldn't complain too much because apostates were valuable and Marian was still one of her most skilled workers.

Marian lost count of the number of nights she spent pacing back and forth outside the house with Cecily (frequently with Cecily screaming and Marian quietly sobbing) because Gamlen complained too much if he was woken up at night. When the baby started teething, Marian made her hand icy and let her gnaw on it to soothe the pain in her gums. She spent her days trying to stay awake for jobs that required fast thinking and even faster reflexes, despite never getting a full night of sleep. Her magic made her important to Athenril, but she had to be careful about using mana wisely because she was pretty sure that any lyrium potions she drank would end up in her breast milk and made Cecily addicted, if the lyrium didn't outright poison her.

When Gamlen thought Marian wasn't listening, he complained to Leandra that it wasn't fair for her to have to babysit so often because Marian should be the one raising her own daughter. Leandra usually defended her by pointing out that Gamlen had been the reason why she had a year of indentured servitude, but the conversation always came back to the fact that Marian had been stupid enough to sleep with someone who didn't stick around to take care of his child. The word “slut” was used more than once.

It was better once Cecily was sleeping through the night, except when Marian had jobs to do overnight. It was also easier when Cecily was old enough to start eating table food. Marian still had to nurse her when she was home, but she could spend more time away without worrying that Cecily was starving. Carver went out drinking sometimes and hung out with other people from the smuggling group, but any time that Marian wasn't working was spent with her daughter. Despite this, she was gone the first time Cecily sat up on her own, and when she took her first steps.


	2. Act 1

Eventually, Cecily turned one and the year with Athenril ended. Marian and Carver tried to figure out what to do next, and they ended up agreeing to do odd jobs and save up money so that they could be partners on a Deep Roads expedition. Marian was apprehensive about leaving Cecily behind to go into the Deep Roads. She'd been working a lot over the past year, but she had never been away from her for that long. Still, it seemed worthwhile. Cecily would be weaned by then, and the money they could earn would give them the opportunity to live somewhere better and maybe even spend less time working.

Varric agreed to work with Marian and Carver while they saved up money. Aveline had managed to get a real job, but she also agreed to help when needed. They met other people who joined the quickly-forming group, including another healer who Marian immediately connected with. Probably the most interesting person was someone named Fenris. Marian had been hired to help track down stolen lyrium, only to meet a man who had lyrium somehow embedded in his skin. He seemed to hate mages (not unlike almost everyone else in the world, even though he at least had a good excuse), but he was otherwise polite to Marian and agreed to work with her in the future. _Interesting_ was really the only word for him. Also handsome, which she accidentally said out loud. Surprisingly, Fenris didn't seem offended by it.

Marian met up with Fenris later at his house (or rather, the house that he had taken over and would be temporarily staying in for the foreseeable future). Against her better judgment, she continued to flirt with him. Fenris actually responded positively. She went back home smiling and feeling an odd, light feeling in her chest that she hadn't experienced in a very long time.

* * *

Fenris was very conspicuous in Hightown. He was accustomed to people staring at him--it had been happening for as long as he could remember--but when everyone assumed he was a servant and talked about him without even bothering to lower their voices, it felt exhausting after a while. He tried to avoid actually spending time there unless he was inside the mansion or helping Hawke with something. 

He was at the market in Lowtown (where people spent less time staring at him and whispered when they talked about him) when he saw a woman who looked kind of like Hawke, except that she had a baby. It might actually have been a toddler; Fenris had never been sure about the exact age categories. The baby had dark hair like Hawke did, and was in some kind of sling. Looking closer, he realized that the woman actually WAS Hawke. She normally wore strange and complicated mage robes, but this time she was in a dress. Fenris didn't know much about dresses, but he could see that what she was wearing was similar to what he saw on other Fereldan refugee women, including the fact that it was faded and had been repaired several times. 

Fenris hadn't been able to think anything other than _magic_ when he first met Hawke. He had gotten to know her more during the short time he had been working with her and she seemed to be trying to appeal to him sexually, which was not unwelcome but it was very confusing. Fenris had already promised to fight with her, and she wasn't going to get anything else from him no matter how she tried to manipulate him. Hawke seemed to be an intelligent and practical woman. She must have already realized this. What, then, was she trying to accomplish by acting like she was attracted to him?

Fenris' image of Hawke was of someone who was dangerous and powerful and desirable. Above all, she was someone to be watched carefully because he didn't know whether or not he could trust her. His idea of her contrasted sharply with the woman he saw in front of him, who had a baby at her hip and was buying soap. She looked very normal, which wasn't a word he had ever used to describe a mage. It made her seem more real, like any other person instead of an unreachable and possibly malevolent entity. But why did she have a baby? Was it her child? 

Hawke glanced over at him and her eyes lit up in recognition. She had noticed him staring at her. Of course she had, it's not like he could blend in with a crowd. He watched her walk over to him. “Hi, Fenris! How are you doing?” she asked.

“I am fine,” he replied. He couldn't take his eyes off the baby, as if it had answers for him.

“Oh, this is my daughter, Cecily,” Hawke explained. “Cecily, this is my friend, Fenris.” She lifted a chubby hand to make the baby wave at him.

_Her daughter?!_ Fenris stared at them, grasping desperately for an appropriate way to respond. “She is... beautiful,” he finally said. It finally registered that Hawke had described him as a friend. He wasn't sure what to think about that.

Apparently he said the right thing, because Hawke smiled. “She looks exactly like my sister did when she was this age.”

“Your sister?” He remembered that Hawke said she lived with her uncle and mother and brother, but she had never mentioned a sister. On the other hand, she hadn't mentioned a child, either. 

“She died back in Ferelden. An ogre killed her.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Thanks. Even though I don't know if you would have liked her; she was a mage, too.”

Fenris had no idea how to respond to that, or what his opinion should be of Hawke's dead mage sister. He was still trying to process the idea that Hawke was a mother. Does it mean that she's married? No, she wouldn't be living with her own mother. Perhaps her husband was also killed by darkspawn? Or maybe Hawke had never married in the first place? 

Apparently he took too long to reply, because Hawke said “I need to buy a lot more stuff today, so I should get back to shopping. I'll see you later!”

“Goodbye, Hawke,” he managed to say as she walked away. He wanted to call out to her and ask her to wait so he could explain, but he knew that he still wouldn't know what to tell her.

* * *

Marian hadn't avoided the topic of her daughter, exactly, but she didn't usually talk about her with her friends. The subject never came up. Fenris had looked so shocked when he found out. She remembered a conversation with her mother that had occurred shortly after Marian first found out she was pregnant. Marian's mother said that she would probably never find a husband because no man wants to raise someone else's child. Even if Fenris had been interested in her at first, he certainly wasn't anymore. It was probably for the best, anyway. Marian was not only a homeless single mother, she was trying to prepare for the Deep Roads expedition and avoid being noticed by the Templars. It was a really bad time to get involved with anyone. When Anders tried to flirt with her, she turned him down as politely as possible. Marian also said no to Isabela when she expressed interest. She didn't even like women, but it was kind of flattering that so many people in Kirkwall were apparently attracted to her.

 

Life was still difficult, but it was much better for Marian than when she had been working for Athenril. She still had a very weird and irregular schedule, but she at least had some control over it. The work also had more variety, even though it still involved doing a lot of fighting and killing (or more accurately, healing and buffing her friends while they fought and killed people). At least most of the people she killed were obviously evil and/or had attacked her first. 

Cecily was doing well. She was very rarely sick, and when she did get sick it was usually something that could be healed quickly. Marian's mother said that she was developing normally. She was getting better at walking and she frequently said things that sounded like words.

As far as she could tell, most of Marian's friends got together on a semi-regular basis to drink and play cards. She always turned down the invitations, even though she appreciated the fact that they thought of her. Marian already spent too much time away from Cecily and relied on her mother too much; she couldn't justify staying away even longer when it only for fun. It was difficult, sometimes. She kind of missed having a social life.

* * *

When armed strangers showed up without warning in Anders' clinic, he had no idea that he was going to meet a very friendly apostate spirit healer. In hindsight, he regretted yelling at Hawke and making a bad first impression. Despite this, Hawke had immediately agreed to do anything she could to help him. Anders soon found out that she helped almost everybody she met, especially mages. She had spent most of her life running from Templars, and she was horrified to learn how much power they actually had in Kirkwall. There was one embarrassing moment where Anders thought Hawke was interested in him romantically. It turned out that she was just being nice. She even rejected him nicely, without making a big deal about it. Hawke quickly became the friend and ally he had never had. When Anders made a comment about how much he hated the Deep Roads, she immediately told him that he wouldn't have to go on the expedition. He maintained that he was willing to go if she needed him, but she had been insistent. _“Really, it's fine. It sounds like you had pretty terrible experiences there and your clinic needs you more. Besides, we have a limited number of spots and I'm not sure that we'll need two healers.”_

As Anders spent more time with Hawke, her niceness no longer surprised him. He had come to expect it as a fundamental part of her personality, which was why it was especially shocking to watch her threaten to kill an ex-Templar. Not that that was a bad thing to do, of course. He decided to talk to her after they had gotten the information they needed from him. “Hawke? Are you feeling all right? It's not like I disapprove, but the way you acted back there wasn't normal for you. Come to think of it, you've been kind of anxious all day.”

“Children depend on him for help and he lets them get taken by slavers!” she snapped. “He doesn't even seem to care!” Hawke relaxed slightly. “It's just that this whole thing hits too close to home for me, I guess. Ever since that woman said her son was missing... I can't imagine how scary that would be.”

Anders raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean, 'hits too close to home'?”

“Oh, I have a kid. Did I not tell you? I lose track of who knows.”

Anders mind raced, trying to remember if he'd ever seen or heard of a kid. “No... Where has your child been? I've never seen you with one.”

“My mom watches her while I'm out doing stuff like this. I try to avoid killing people in front of my daughter.”

“That's... probably good parenting. So, you have a girl?”

“Yeah, she just turned one.”

“She's so little! Not that you look old enough to have a teenager or anything.” 

Hawke smiled a bit at that. “Come on, we should go. Feynriel is still out there somewhere.”

They found out that Feynriel had been sold to slavers. Hawke was getting increasingly frantic. When they finally found him on the Wounded Coast, Anders had his own moment of panic when he thought Hawke was going to force Feynriel to go to the Circle. Of course, he felt stupid for worrying. Hawke, in all her wonderfulness and _niceness_ encouraged Feynriel to go live with the Dalish and then insisted on following him to Sundermount to make sure that he was safe. Anders wondered why he had even considered that she would do anything else. She also insisted on going straight back to Lowtown to report to Arianni. 

Hawke started talking to him again on the way back. “Feynriel made the right decision and I know it was too risky for him to go all the way back to Kirkwall to say goodbye to her, but still...” 

“You did everything you could,” Anders said, trying to sound supportive. “Feynriel's mother will probably be happy to know that he's safe.”

Hawke sighed. “But he's so young and she may never see him again. I don't even know if they'll be able to get letters to each other. I wish there was more we could do.”

“So do I.”

Arianni was upset, but she handled the news fairly well. Hawke's uncle's home was already in Lowtown, so Anders wished her a good night and returned to Darktown.

* * *

Marian had to do many other strange tasks, often for strange people. She frequently ended up in the position of confidante and/or voice of reason for her friends, and sometimes for complete strangers. Just when her life was starting to get into a routine, she realized that they had enough money saved up and no more jobs to do. It was time for the Deep Roads expedition. 

Varric was already part of the expedition, so she had decided to bring Fenris and Isabela along as well because they all got along with each other and neither of them had anything more important to do. Marian was very worried about being away from Cecily for so long. She tried to remind herself that there were many good reasons to go on the expedition, she had already committed to it, and she couldn't exactly bring a baby to the Deep Roads. It was clearly her only option, but it still didn't feel like a good option, especially since there would be no way for her family to contact her while she was gone. Marian was comforted by the fact that her mother, the dog, Carver, and Gamlen would all be with Cecily. Not that she thought Gamlen would actually help take care of her, but if Marian never came back and the rest of the family died or something, she could at least count on Gamlen to take Cecily to the Chantry.

They hadn't been in the Deep Roads for very long when Bodahn reported that Sandal was missing. Marian immediately agreed to help find him. She babbled nervously to Fenris as they were looking for him. “Why do people's children keep turning up missing? Should I be worried? Is this some kind of sign?”

“I don't think that's how signs work, exactly,” Fenris said.

“How old is Sandal, anyway? IS he even a child? It's hard to tell with dwarves. And he's technically Bodahn's foster son, so maybe that means I'm safe? Why am I talking like this, anyway? I'm usually not superstitious.”

“You are under a lot of stress. It's understandable.”

“And why didn't Bodahn seem more worried about his safety? Sandal didn't have armor or weapons or anything.”

“Can't he do magic or something?”

“I think he can only enchant things. And anyway, he's still only one man and there are a lot of darkspawn.”

“True.”

Marian thought for a moment before continuing. “Bodahn said that he found Sandal after he'd been abandoned in the Deep Roads. I can't believe anyone could just leave their child to die like that. I guess it's really true that family is more about loyalty than blood, isn't it?”

Fenris made a noise that sounded like agreement.

“I'm just worried, I guess. Thanks for listening.”

“Of course.”

When they finally found Sandal, he was covered in blood and surrounded by darkspawn corpses. Marian attempted to talk to him. “How close were you when you... exploded them? And how did you not die from the blast?”

Sandal just smiled at her.

Varric pointed out an ogre that looked like it had been crystallized. Fenris raised an eyebrow at Marian, who shrugged helplessly.

 

After that, it got worse. When Bartrand left them to die, Marian tried to focus on keeping Varric calm to distract herself from her own rapidly-increasing anxiety. She almost didn't notice the hunger demon until it was right in front of her. 

The demon was trying to talk to her and make an offer or something, but she just said “Die, fiend!” and attacked. Varric asked about it afterward. “I didn't peg you for the 'shoot first, ask questions later' type, Hawke. What was that about?” 

“You can't trust demons. The less time spent interacting with them, the better. People think that they can trick demons, or benefit from working with them, or even 'Oh, I'll just listen to what he has to offer because I'm curious and then of course I'll say no' and they end up possessed.”

“Whatever you say, Hawke.”

 

Eventually, they had to stop to get some sleep. Marian finally said what had been on her mind. “What if we never make it out of here and Cecily never sees me again? Will she forget me? Or what if we do eventually find a way out, but Cecily's already forgotten who I am?”

Nobody had an answer for her. There was an awkward silence. Eventually, Varric asked “Do you know how to play Diamondback, Hawke?”

“No. What's that?”

It turned out to be a card game, and Marian quickly realized that Varric, Fenris, and Isabela were very good at it. Varric and Fenris were, at least. She was pretty sure that Isabela was cheating. Still, the game distracted her until she fell asleep.

 

It was difficult to keep track of time underground. All Marian knew was that the four of them spent a lot of time together, mostly walking and fighting. They also ate together and slept next to each other, and they couldn't even leave the group to relieve themselves out of fear of being ambushed by darkspawn or giant spiders. Marian realized that she had grown closer to her friends by being trapped in the Deep Roads together than she ever had over the time she had known them. 

When they weren't walking or sleeping or fighting, the group spent more time talking and playing cards together. Marian finally learned all the rules of the game, but she didn't actually get any better at it. They also tried playing “never have I ever,” but it just devolved into Varric and Isabela exchanging stories about weird things they'd done because Marian hadn't done much in her life and Fenris didn't remember most of his. Varric told a lot of stories about almost everything. Marian doubted that any of them were true, but she suspected that that wasn't the point. She talked about cute things that Cecily did until she got too sad to continue. Isabela had very dramatic stories about her time as a captain, and also an impressive knowledge of dirty jokes. Fenris didn't talk very often, but Marian noticed that when he did speak he was very intelligent, and often funny in a dry way.


	3. After the Deep Roads

They finally made it back to the surface. The sun was brighter than Marian had remembered. Varric promised that he would take care of all of the financial stuff related to the treasure they'd found, so Marian went straight to Gamlen's house. 

She opened the door and blinked a few times, trying to process the visual input through the haze of exhaustion. Marian had barely taken a step inside when she heard “MAMA!” She looked down to see Cecily running toward her.

Marian sank to the floor and lifted Cecily up into her lap. “Hi, sweetie! You got bigger while I was gone! Be careful touching me, I think I have spider guts on my clothes. I'm sorry I was gone so long. I missed you very much.”

Cecily, for her part, couldn't stop smiling and hugging Marian.

Marian finally looked over to the other side of the room, where Carver was. “Oh, hi Carver!” She did a double-take. “The actual fuck are you _wearing_? Wow, I think I spent too much time with Isabela.”

“I've joined the Templar Order.”

“What?”

“The martial arm of the Chantry that-"

“Yes, the people we've been running from our whole lives. I've heard of them.” She went back to nuzzling Cecily.

“I want to be someone. More than just your brother. This is my chance.”

“Look, I really don't have the energy to deal with your bullshit right now. Cecily, I hope you're not listening to what I'm saying.”

“You don't need to worry about me turning you in. I know the value of family.”

“You mean that I don't need to worry until the next time you're mad at me, or until they stroke your ego enough to convince you that it's the right thing to do.”

Carver stormed out of the house. Leandra shook her head and wrung her hands together. Marian sighed. “I'm sorry for arguing, Mother,” she said. 

Leandra looked at her sadly. “I'm happy that you're home,” she said, finally.

“I think I need to wash up and get some sleep, if that's all right.”

 

Nobody showed up to drag Marian off to the Gallows, so it seemed like Carver at least intended to keep his word. Cecily was very happy to have her mother back. She followed Marian everywhere and insisted on being held almost constantly for a long time. Varric turned out to be even better than Marian had realized, because she was able to buy back the Amell estate much sooner than expected. She had worried about how she and her mother were going to be able to do all of the cleaning and repairs to actually make the house livable (since her brother was too busy harassing mages or whatever he was up to), but it turned out that Varric had thought of that, too. All of her friends were somehow available during the same period of time, along with other people who Varric vouched for as being hardworking and trustworthy.

Both Marian and Leandra showed up for the first day of working on the house, which meant that Cecily was also there. It was the first time that most of Marian's friends saw her. Aveline, who hadn't seen her since they arrived in Kirkwall, said “She's gotten so big!” at the same time that Merrill exclaimed “Oh, I've never seen a baby human before. Are they all so tiny?”

“She was even smaller when she was born,” Marian said.

“Really? Wow!”

Anders rubbed his forehead. “Merrill, did you think we materialize as fully-grown adults?”

“I hadn't really thought about it, actually.”

Several people commented that Cecily looked a lot like Marian. She wanted to point out that Cecily actually looked like Bethany, but she bit her lip and said nothing. Cecily herself was very interested in all of the new people, and seemed to be trying to act as cute as possible. Even Isabela, who insisted that she was "not a baby person," cooed over Cecily and said that she was jealous of her long eyelashes.

 

Cecily seemed happy to have so many people around, which was problematic because she kept following everybody and getting underfoot. It was decided that Leandra would watch her so that she wouldn't have to strain herself. This worked well at first. Marian assisted with cleaning and repairing the house. Leandra took Cecily with her to the market and to Gamlen's house, and checked in at the estate in Hightown as needed. They spent the nights in Lowtown.

It got more difficult once they started furnishing the house. It was technically in Marian's name, but Leandra had stronger opinions about how it should be decorated and where everything should go. She asked Aveline to watch Cecily for a few minutes while she went to another room that had a lot of heavy objects which could fall over easily. Aveline had already promised to help Varric with something different, so after a few minutes turned into half an hour, she grabbed Fenris because he didn't seem to be doing anything else. She assured him that Cecily had mostly been sitting on the floor and playing with toys, so his only task was to make sure that she didn't injure herself. 

Fenris suddenly realized that he was alone with a toddler. He stared at her. She stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry toward him. He sat down on a bench that was near her toys. Cecily completely ignored them and walked over to Fenris. She grabbed his hands, wrapping each of her own tiny hands around one of his fingers. Fenris was suddenly grateful that he wasn't wearing his gauntlets. He noticed that she didn't seem particularly interested in the lyrium in his hands, but she wasn't avoiding it either. Cecily started pulling at Fenris' legs and he realized that she was trying to climb up. Thinking that she wanted to sit in his lap like he'd seen her do with Hawke and Leandra, he lifted her up. Instead, Cecily stood on his thighs and stared at him. She smiled with a mouth that looked like it was too big for her head. There was a line of drool trailing down her chin.

Cecily suddenly let go of Fenris' hands. He grabbed her waist to steady her, while one of her hands reached up to pull his hair and the other crushed one of his ears painfully. Fenris winced. He'd been forced to remain stoic in much worse situations, but he wasn't sure how to get out of this one without hurting her. He tried to gently pry her little fingers open, but her grip was surprisingly strong. She finally released his head and fell forward to hug his neck. Fenris pulled her back and looked her in the eye. “You shouldn't do that,” he said. She just smiled and started babbling at him. It was almost like hearing someone speak an unfamiliar language. Cecily had a very earnest expression on her face and she moved her arm like she was gesturing. Fenris sighed. Where was Hawke?

Fenris had a sudden thought that Cecily was the first person who he knew for sure wasn't thinking "living weapon" or "ex-slave" or even "elf" when she looked at him. He was just one of many large people and as far as she knew, he wasn't any different from everybody else. It was oddly comforting. His thoughts were interrupted by Cecily leaning forward to press her mouth to his. Fenris jumped and made a startled noise. 

It was then that Hawke walked in. “Fenris? How did you get stuck watching Cecily? I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have to do this!” She avoided touching Fenris as she lifted her daughter off of his lap. 

“I think she kissed me,” Fenris said, and wiped his mouth off.

"Huh, I guess she likes you! Sorry about how slimy her lips are, her back teeth are coming in and it makes her drool a lot.”

Fenris didn't notice Merrill entering the room until she said, “Oh, you should give her deathroot for that!”

“What are you talking about?” Hawke looked at Merrill incredulously. “Deathroot is used to make poisons. It even has 'death' in the name.”

“Oh, the fruit is the only poisonous part. If you rub the leaves on her gums, it will numb them.”

“Um, thank you for the suggestion?”

Merrill beamed. Fenris left the room as quickly as possible.

 

Eventually, everything was completed and the Hawkes moved in to their new home. Marian and Cecily had their own bedrooms for the first time in either of their lives. It was looking like she would actually be able to relax and spend time with her daughter.

Things were pretty good, for a while. Bodhan and Sandal moved in and started working for Marian. She was grateful for the ability to give her daughter a comfortable life, but she felt very conspicuous in Hightown. She tried to attract as little attention as possible. The Templars, including Carver, continued to leave her alone. Marian played with Cecily and took her and the dog for walks in Hightown. She practiced magic inside the house with the curtains drawn, trying to improve her skill and learn new spells. Her mother claimed to miss babysitting, so she met up with her friends occasionally to drink and play cards. Marian never drank much (she'd stopped drinking altogether while she was pregnant and breastfeeding so even a few drinks was more than she was used to) and she was still terrible at card games, but it was nice to socialize with adults. She didn't see Aveline and Anders very often because their jobs kept them busy. Isabela and Varric were usually at the Hanged Man, but Isabela spent a lot of time looking for a relic and Varric was usually busy with important work that he wouldn't talk about. Fenris and Merrill had less going on, so they visited Marian at her home on a semi-regular basis and somehow managed to avoid being there at the same time.

Cecily got taller and her baby fat melted away until she was a skinny kid with long legs. She started saying more and more words. Eventually she got to the point where she was constantly talking. Marian realized that her daughter had a kind heart and a sense of humor and very strong opinions. 

Marian stopped doing magic in front of Cecily. It wasn't a conscious decision. She just realized one day that she was letting Cecily heal on her own when she got a cold or fell and scraped herself, instead of doing it for her. The only other thing she used magic for was fighting, which she tried not to expose Cecily to. Marian also stopped talking about magic when Cecily was around. She remembered that her parents had told her about it from an early age, but there was just too much risk. Marian had worked very hard to get a stable place to live. She wasn't going to be able to move every few years like her parents had. Cecily was terrible at lying and keeping secrets, which was a good trait in a young child but a bad one for the daughter of an apostate. She saw templars in the streets every once in a while and she knew that her Uncle Carver was one, but Cecily seemed to think that they were a type of guard and Marian never corrected her. She knew that she would have to tell her eventually, of course, but she kept putting it off. A part of her hoped that something about the situation would change and make everything easier.


	4. Act 2 Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This part is mostly about Fenris.

Fenris was happy to see Hawke relaxed, but it couldn't last. Shortly after her daughter turned four, the Viscount started asking her to help mediate the situation with the Qunari. Somehow, The Arishok had paid enough attention to Hawke to develop respect for her but not enough to notice that she was a mage. She attributed this largely to Fenris' help. Soon, more jobs and assignments for her started piling up. 

Hawke was surprised to find out that Fenris couldn't read, which surprised him. She immediately offered to teach him. He agreed without spending much time thinking about it. It would be beneficial to learn a new skill, and he was forced to admit that he enjoyed having an excuse to spend more time with her. Fenris hadn't realized that her daughter already knew more than he did. The first day he visited Hawke to work on reading, he found out that Cecily apparently knew all the letters of the alphabet and could read and spell her own name. It was embarrassing, but he knew he would feel even more shame if he backed out after he had agreed. 

It wasn't actually as bad as he had thought. Fenris learned faster than Hawke's daughter did, even though this may have been because he could sit still and pay attention for longer periods of time. It didn't take long before Hawke was encouraging him to teach Cecily. She said that this would help him with his own learning, but he suspected that she also thought it would make him feel better about what he'd accomplished so far. If this was true, he had to admit that it was working.

Cecily, for her part, didn't seem to think that it was strange to learn how to read alongside an adult. He knew that it was only because he'd been around as she was growing up, but Cecily didn't seem to think there was anything strange about Fenris at all. 

Even the few people he considered friends were careful around him. They avoided touching him unless it was absolutely necessary, and they didn't speak about certain subjects when they knew Fenris was within earshot. He had caught almost everyone staring at his hair or at the lyrium in his skin when they thought he wasn't looking. 

Cecily had no problem with touching Fenris. Hawke repeatedly tried to get her to stop, until he reassured her that he didn't mind. He soon got in the habit of removing his gauntlets and pauldrons immediately after entered Hawke's home, because Cecily would inevitably hug Fenris and take his hand and lead him somewhere, or talk him into dancing with her.

 

“What's your last name, Fenris?” she asked him one day, when she had apparently gotten tired of the complicated-looking tower she was building out of wooden blocks. 

He looked around for Hawke, before remembering that her mother had called her out of the room a few minutes ago. Hawke seemed to trust him enough to leave him alone with her daughter. It always surprised him. He would protect Cecily with his life if she were ever in danger, but he didn't expect Hawke to know that.

“What's your last name?” He knew that she would keep asking until she got some kind of response.

“I don't know.”

“Why?” She was standing directly in front of him now, and staring at him. Her long, black hair was everywhere. Fenris had assumed that Hawke would cut her daughter's hair short like her own, but she was apparently letting her grow it out.

“I don't remember.”

“Why?”

“I lost all of my memories.”

“Why?”

“I underwent a ritual where-”

“My last name is Hawke,” Cecily said, interrupting him.

“Yes-”

“My Mama's last name is Hawke, too, and my dog's last name is Hawke.”

“That's right-”

“Bodhan's last name is Feddic.”

Fenris waited for her to talk about last names some more, but she just left the room. He smiled and shook his head.

* * *

Marian got back into the routine of working almost all the time. The ever-present dark circles returned under her eyes. A Chantry brother who she'd helped a few years ago joined her group, with the expectation that she would do another job for him. 

She was starting to get worried about Merrill. Marian liked Merrill as a person and she knew that Cecily looked up to her, but she was uncomfortable with the fact that Merrill was still using blood magic. She found out that Merrill had also been working on restoring a mirror. Marian didn't understand much about it, except that it was elven and that demons were somehow involved. 

 

They were on the Wounded Coast when slavers attacked. Fenris wanted to go straight to the holding caves, and Marian agreed immediately. The plants they had been looking for could wait. 

The battle with Hadriana was difficult. Marian was glad that she had learned how to dispel magic recently, especially because she could do it while she was healing. She was strangely happy for Fenris when he killed Hadriana, even though she knew that he was very upset. Marian offered to listen if Fenris wanted to talk about it, which seemed to make him feel worse.

“...all that matters is I finally got to crush this bitch's heart. May she rot, and all the other mages with her!”

She stared at him. The part about mages was bad enough, but he also sounded kind of misogynistic. Marian knew it wasn't personal. Fenris was just lashing out, like when Cecily screamed “I hate you!” after being told that it was time for bed. Except that Fenris was an adult, and she had come to expect more from him.

Marian didn't trust herself to say anything nice if she addressed what he had actually said, so she attempted to diffuse the situation by flirting. It didn't help. She didn't try to stop him when he stormed out.

Fenris was waiting for her when she got home. He immediately acknowledged that he'd been taking his anger out on her and apologized for it. Marian hadn't realized how much she needed to hear that.

It sounded like Fenris felt guilty for killing Hadriana, and moreso for doing it in front of Marian. She almost pointed out that she wouldn't be friends with Anders if stuff like that bothered her, but stopped herself at the last second. She felt very sad when he left.

 

Marian and Fenris didn't see each other for a few days after that. She kept busy doing a lot of jobs around Kirkwall. When she finally had a free evening, she decided to stop by Fenris' house to see how he was doing. It turned out that he was drinking and he was in a talkative mood, which indicated that he was already fairly drunk. Marian found out that it was the anniversary of his escape. He'd made vague references to it before, but this was the first time that she'd heard the whole story. It was obviously painful for him to talk about. 

After Marian had heard everything and asked a few questions, Fenris visibly relaxed. Their conversation somehow progressed to talking about sex. This was new. Flirting had been part of their friendship since the beginning, but they had an unspoken agreement to touch each other as little as possible. It was understandable. Fenris flirted with Isabela too, and (if Isabela's complaints were accurate) they never touched each other either. Marian had accepted a long time ago that if Fenris decided to have sex with someone, she wouldn't be his choice when an attractive woman who wasn't a mage was also interested in him. 

It was difficult to believe that Fenris was sitting a few feet away and thinking about having sex with her. He sounded like he was actually considering it. Marian bit her lip as she suddenly felt very aroused. She reminded herself that the context of the conversation was that Fenris was normally averse to touching anyone because of the extreme pain he'd experienced. He was also very drunk; definitely too drunk to consent. He probably would feel very differently once he was sober, if he even remembered this conversation. Still, Marian had never thought that Fenris would ever think about her in this way under any circumstances, let alone tell her about it. She was suddenly very aware of his body, and of her own body. She stared at his legs and watched his thighs flex. Everything about Fenris was so lithe and muscular. Marian glanced up at his face and saw that he was smirking at her.

“On another evening, perhaps.”

Marian took that as her cue to leave. Another evening... It almost sounded like he was making plans. She reminded herself again that Fenris had been drunk. It almost definitely didn't mean anything. He would probably be embarrassed about their conversation in the morning. She decided not to discuss it unless he brought it up.

 

Marian spent most of the next day working for Mistress Selby. It was late at night when she got home, long past Cecily's bedtime. Marian mentally went through her schedule to see if she'd be able to have dinner with Cecily at least once this week. 

Fenris was waiting for her again, and he had a very serious expression on his face. At first, she thought he was upset that she hadn't taken him along earlier that day, which didn't make sense. She never brought Fenris with her when the job involved mages. They had a long-standing agreement that he wouldn't criticize her for helping mages as long as she didn't try to force him to do it with her.

“I have been thinking of you. In fact, I've been able to think of little else.” _Oh._ Fenris started walking toward her. He was staring at her like he was hungry. He definitely looked sober this time. Had he really been thinking of her-- _thinking about having sex with her_ \--all day?

“Command me to go and I shall.”

“What? No, of course I don't want you to go.” What did he even mean by that question?

He kissed her. She wasn't sure what she expected him to taste like-lyrium or wine or something exotic, perhaps. There was just skin and spit, and when she grasped his waist to pull his body against her, he felt like muscle under leather. After all the time she'd spent thinking of him as something fantastic and unreachable, it was almost surprising to finally touch him and find that he was actually real.

Fenris was kissing her very softly and gently, which was probably good because she was trying to dodge the spiky parts of his armor and kiss him back at the same time. When he finally pulled his head away from hers, he was breathing hard and his pupils were dilated, like he'd been doing a lot more than kissing. 

She gently pushed him against the wall and leaned into him. Marian had never kissed a man who was the same height as her before. It was very convenient, and she could feel his cock getting hard and pressing exactly where she wanted it. Fenris' hands grasped her hips and pulled her closer. It was impressive how he could manage to touch her with the gauntlets on and manage not to hurt her.

They went upstairs. Marian asked Fenris to take off the spiky armor, and he surprised her by removing all of his clothes. His body was kind of perfect. He was very toned and had excellent bone structure, and he even had nice skin. Fenris stepped forward to help Marian take off her clothes. She suddenly felt self-conscious. She had never exactly been thin, but she was in shape at one point in her life. Now, the skin on her stomach was still loose from pregnancy. The stretch marks had mostly faded by now, but there were still white lines on her abdomen. Marian's breasts also used to be cute and perky, but nursing had made them large and floppy. At least she had nice legs. She frequently cursed all the stairs in Kirkwall that she had to run up and down, but she was admittedly proud of the effect they had on her legs.

Fenris kissed her neck until she forgot about feeling embarrassed. When they were in bed together, Marian realized that she'd gotten pregnant the last time she had sex. She made Fenris promise several times not to finish inside her, and he didn't. It was surprisingly good, especially considering that she barely remembered how to have sex and he apparently didn't remember if he'd ever had done it at all. She was also surprised by Fenris' demeanor. Marian would have expected her cagey and guarded friend who tore people's hearts out of their chests to be rough and passionate. Fenris was so gentle, like he thought she was delicate and in danger of breaking. He couldn't seem to stop touching her and trying to have as much skin-to-skin contact as possible at all times. She also found out that he was wonderfully responsive. Marian had never seen anybody so aroused. Just touching her made him shudder and gasp, and when she touched him it was as if it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. It was kind of flattering and really hot and almost too good to be true.

She honestly wasn't surprised when he left afterward. It was probably for the best, anyway.

* * *

Fenris returned to his (the place where he was waiting, not his, nothing is his) mansion. He drank and paced back and forth and cursed in three languages. Okay, he also cried a lot, too. He finally fell asleep as the sun was starting to rise.

He didn't sleep well at all, but he couldn't drag himself out of bed until evening, when it was almost time to meet Hawke. She'd asked him to meet her in front of her house because they had a job in Hightown. Something about a serial killer. Hawke would probably turn him away the moment she saw him, but he couldn't go back on his word after he'd agreed to help her. That thought was what forced him out of bed. Fenris rubbed at his face with a wet rag in an attempt to clean off the dried tears. He was still exhausted and hungover, but he didn't have time to do anything else. He rushed over to Hawke's house.

Everybody was already waiting for Fenris. Hawke smiled and greeted him warmly when she saw him. Fenris felt the anxious tension in his stomach relax as something in his chest clenched. He scowled, trying to look broody instead of anguished.

They were ambushed by thugs, of course. The first ten or so weren't too bad, but more of them kept coming and swarming around Fenris. He could slice two or three heads off with one swing of his sword, but this left his back open for the rest of them to hit him.

He forced himself to fight through the pain as he was struck over and over again. Finally, there was one bandit left, standing in front of him. He hadn't been hit at all. Fenris was about to collapse, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to kill this one in time. He raised his sword, trying to do as much damage as he could before he fell.

The bandit was suddenly frozen solid. Fenris' back felt very itchy as his injuries were healed. He swung and hit the bandit, shattering him easily. Fenris turned around to see Hawke smiling at him. He had a moment of irritation about how Hawke used magic to solve every problem, but he forced it away. She was looking out for him, even after he'd left her. It was more than he deserved. 

“Thank you!” Fenris called out. The least he could do was express his gratitude.

Hawke waved back at him. He started to panic when he saw a group of gang members running toward her, only to see them fall away from her, stunned.

She retreated to put more space between herself and the thugs. Now fully healed, Fenris moved in to attack them.

It was easier, after that. Everything was the same as it had always been, other than the increased feelings of despair and self-loathing. Hawke was still friendly and kind, and Fenris found that he still enjoyed following her. It was satisfying to watch her kill a blood mage without thinking twice about it. 

She walked him back home after they were done. “Are you coming over tomorrow?” she asked casually.

They had planned to work on reading tomorrow afternoon. It was scheduled before... everything that had happened. He hadn't even remembered until she brought it up. “Yes, of course, if you'll have me.”

“Yes, definitely!” she said brightly, “I'll see you tomorrow!”

He managed to get inside before he started sobbing again. Everything was better and so much worse now. He'd expected Hawke to be furious and send him away. Instead, she was acting as if nothing had happened. It was easy for her, just like sex was supposed to be easy. Everybody else seemed to be able to have sex and enjoy it without thinking about it too much. It was yet another thing he'd discovered that was wrong with him. He couldn't handle physical intimacy, no matter how much he wanted it. The only thing he was good at was fighting, and apparently he couldn't even do that without help from a mage.

Fenris forced himself to walk upstairs. He was covered in sweat and blood, but he didn't have the energy to do anything other than drink until he passed out in a chair.

 

He felt a little better when he woke up. He made himself bathe and change his clothes, so that he could at least look presentable for Hawke. Fenris knew that he should eat real food, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. It just seemed too difficult and pointless. 

Fenris made it to Hawke's house on time. She immediately asked if he wanted anything to eat or drink. He declined, not wanting to impose.

He practiced reading with her. It was difficult to focus and he kept making stupid mistakes, but Hawke was patient and supportive. 

A thought nagged at him: _Did she even care?_ Hawke didn't seem mad or sad that he'd left her. It wasn't that he wanted her to feel bad, even though he would admit to feeling some jealousy that she was apparently able to be happy when he couldn't. If nothing else, he had expected her to be slightly disappointed that she'd enjoyed having sex with him and wouldn't be able to do it again. She did enjoy it, right? She said that she did.

“Are you all right, Fenris? You seem distant.” Hawke looked concerned.

He brushed her off with an excuse. It was unfair to accuse Hawke of not caring. She had invited him into her home and she was teaching him to read. She could apparently even tell that he hadn't been eating. Hawke obviously cared very much.

Cecily returned home with Hawke's mother, apparently back from an errand. Cecily ran up to her mother and hugged her, and then hugged Fenris. It was oddly comforting.

Hawke stood up and turned toward Fenris. “Hey, Cecily and I are going to have a snack. You should join us!”

Fenris shook his head and laughed softly. “All right,” he replied.

They went to the kitchen. Fenris and Cecily sat down while Hawke got apples and biscuits ready for everybody. He was startled to realize that it didn't feel strange anymore for Hawke to serve him. 

Cecily was staring at him and grinning. He could hear intermittent thumping noises that came from her swinging her legs and kicking her chair. 

“Fenris?” she said.

“Yes, Cecily?”

“What's that red thing?” She pointed at the favor on his wrist.

Fenris didn't say anything, hoping that Cecily would get bored or distracted.

It didn't work. “What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing? What's that red thing?”

He glanced over at Hawke, helplessly, not sure how to respond. In the moment before Hawke noticed he was looking at her, he saw a flash of something in her expression. He didn't quite know what it was. Hawke saw him and immediately smoothed her face into a long-suffering smile.

“It's cloth, Cecily.”

“Why?”

“He's wearing it because he wants to.”

Fenris waited for her to ask why again, but apparently Cecily had other ideas. “It's so beautiful! I want one!”

“We can get some red ribbon for your hair the next time we're at the market. How's that?”

Cecily perked up, clearly excited. “That's a good idea!”

Fenris thought about what he'd seen in Hawke's face and he felt better, somehow. He knew that it was selfish. He shouldn't want Hawke to be upset or disappointed, or for her to be waiting for things that he'd never be able to give her. If Hawke actually told him that any of that was true, he'd be very uncomfortable. Still, what he'd seen, whatever emotion it represented... it was comforting. He felt hopeful.


	5. Act 2 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where Marian takes walks and has conversations with the men in her life.

Marian helped Aveline and Varric with stuff that was going on in their lives. She remembered that she'd also agreed to help Sebastian with something and made room in her schedule for that, too. 

Sebastian's job turned out to involve a lot of demons. Marian and her group helped him kill them. It was satisfying to kill demons, but it made her nervous that there were so many being summoned into the mortal world. Sebastian himself was very grateful. As they were walking back to the Chantry, he talked with Marian about his family. When he asked about hers, Marian contributed stories about Cecily. She told him how much Cecily's speech was improving and how she really enjoyed dancing and making up songs.

“Oh? I didn't realize you were married, Hawke.”

Marian raised an eyebrow. “No, no husband. Just a daughter.”

“I'm so sorry that you have to do work like this instead of raising your child. The Chantry has resources if you ever need assistance,” he said with a concerned voice.

“A few years ago, you paid me to kill people. Now you're pitying me?”

“As I said, I didn't realize...”

“Look, it's fine. I appreciate your sympathy, but my daughter and I are fine.”

 

Marian walked Varric back to the Hanged Man afterward. 

“That actually reminds me of something I've been meaning to ask you, Hawke” he said, “What DID happen to your kid's father?”

“When you tell my story, just say that I was married to a soldier who died at Ostagar. Everybody loves a grieving widow.”

“Nah,” Varric chuckled, “We already have Aveline and two widows just looks like lazy writing.”

“Good point. Okay, it's actually not all that exciting. He was somebody I had been sleeping with off and on for about a year. It wasn't anything serious. Our families probably would have shamed us into getting married after I got pregnant, but I never had the chance to tell him. There was too much risk that he would find out that half of us were apostates and turn us in, so we moved away and I never saw him again.”

“Huh.” Varric looked thoughtful.

“I didn't know him extremely well, but he was a good man. I'm not sure if he would have been relieved to know that he isn't expected to raise a child right now, or if he would have felt angry and betrayed. I don't even know if he survived the Blight.”

Varric nodded. “Okay. I think I can work that into your character arc.”

“Uh, sure.”

They walked in silence for a bit before Marian spoke up again. “Speaking of Cecily, I'm worried about her. I wish I could give her a good life.”

“She lives in a mansion with servants, Hawke. She's hardly deprived.”

“Yeah, but I'm gone all the time because I'm busy killing people, and I have to keep her sheltered so that we don't draw the attention of the templars. She never even gets to play with other kids her age. I was actually at home the other day and she wouldn't stop talking about runes. Apparently she's been hanging out with Sandal?”

“Watch out,” he laughed. “With the two of them enchanting, you might not have a house left.”

“But that's not a normal thing for a four-year-old to be interested in, right? I just remember how lonely I was before the twins were born. I wonder if I could talk Aveline and Donnic into having a kid so Cecily would have someone to play with?”

“You're on your own with that one, Hawke.”

“Fair enough. The sad thing is, I don't even know what childhood is supposed to be like. I grew up moving around all the time and avoiding the templars, but I can't exactly do that now that I'm related to one. What is a normal upbringing even like? Do we know anyone who had one?"

Varric paused to think, and then he shook his head. “No, not really. But think of it this way; we all turned out okay! More or less.”

It didn't take them long to reach the Hanged Man. Varric invited Marian up to his suite and bought her a drink.

“I've actually been meaning to talk to you. People say you and the elf are becoming quite the item. So, what's going on, Hawke?”

“What do you mean, 'people'? Isabela and Aveline seem to think that Fenris and I are together, too. Where is everybody getting this? We're just friends.”

Varric shrugged. “That's not what I hear.”

“I can't see Fenris telling you anything... Wait, is Sandal spying on me and reporting to you? Is there some kind of beardless dwarf code of honor?”

“You're changing the subject, Hawke.”

“We hooked up once, but it didn't work out. That's it. Not a big deal.”

“All right,” Varric said, clearly not convinced. “Just be careful.”

They talked for a few more minutes while Marian finished her drink. She thanked Varric and went back home. 

Marian had dinner with Cecily, who was too busy telling elaborate stories about the dog to focus on eating. She gave her a bath and tucked her in bed, and then got ready to go back out and kill people again.

 

It was two days later when Marian, Anders, Isabela, and Fenris met Arianni in the Alienage. It was briefly reassuring to hear that Arianni had at least been visiting her son, but Marian was quickly worried again. Demons were apparently after him. Why was it always demons? Marian agreed to wait with Arianni until Marethari arrived so that they could begin the ritual.

After a few minutes of waiting, Marian realized that Fenris was with her, and they were about to go into the Fade to help a mage. “Hey, Fenris?” she said. “This is important and I need to do it as soon as possible, but I completely understand if you want to leave. Merrill's house is right over there; we could probably get her instead. It's really no problem.”

Fenris thought for a moment and replied, “No, I should accompany you. If demons are involved, you'd be safer with me than with Merrill.”

“He actually has a point,” said Anders.

While they were in the Fade, Marian tried to take the opportunity to get to know Justice better. She had interacted a lot with Fade spirits, but never one who actually lived in the mortal world. Unfortunately, Justice seemed too preoccupied with helping Feynriel to talk with Marian. At least his priorities were in order. 

A sloth demon tried to tempt her, but she immediately rejected its offer and killed it. Fenris seemed relieved, as if he had expected her to do anything else.

Isabela and Fenris were less fortunate. They both gave in to demons, and Justice and Marian were forced to kill them. Marian was almost positive that they would just wake up in the mortal realm because they were in someone else's dream, but she wasn't sure. Justice didn't exactly know, either. She tried to hurry through the rest of the dream as quickly as possible so that she could find out, one way or the other.

Marian almost cried in relief when she saw that Feynriel was okay. She ran up to embrace him. Feynriel was grateful, but he said that he had to go to Tevinter so that he could study. 

“Wow, okay. I've heard some pretty horrible things about Tevinter, but you're probably right that they're the only ones who can help you. Be careful, all right?” She was in the middle of reminding him to write to his mother when Feynriel ended the dream and they woke up.

Marian sat up. She glanced over to see Anders, who was also in the process of waking up. Isabela and Fenris were standing over them. They both looked very alive. “Oh good, you two are okay! I'm so sorry that we killed you!”

Isabela laughed. Fenris scowled. Anders turned to Marian and said, “For what it's worth, Justice is very confused by you but he thinks that you're honorable.”

“Yeah, I actually get that a lot.”

Feynriel had apparently already left for Tevinter. Arianni found out that she was allowed to live with the Dalish, and made plans to do so. But if it had always been okay for her to move back, why didn't Marethari say anything sooner? Marian was suspicious about the whole situation, but she decided to stay quiet about it.

It was very late. Isabela and Anders said goodnight and went their separate ways. Fenris looked uncomfortable. “Walk you back to Hightown?” Marian asked. 

Fenris made a noncommittal noise, but he followed her.

“Okay, my house or yours?” Marian asked as soon as they were out of earshot.

“Excuse me?”

“You're upset and we need to talk about this. You can choose where we do it.”

Fenris' walk stiffened. He remained silent.

“I really am very sorry about killing you, especially with magic. I didn't know what else to do.”

Fenris' expression was unreadable.

“I'm also sorry that I let him go to Tevinter. He seemed dead-set on the idea and I don't think there's anyone else who can help him master his abilities. I really hope that I didn't just enable him to become an evil magister or get killed or enslaved.”

Fenris was glaring now, but not at anything in particular.

“Please talk to me?”

Fenris exhaled sharply. “My house.”

They walked the rest of the way in silence.

Once they were inside Fenris' home, he turned to look at Marian. His eyes were wide and Marian thought he looked vulnerable. “I have been thinking about what happened in the Fade. That a demon could have played so easily on my fears disturbs me. I failed you. I won't let that happen again.”

Marian tried to look reassuring. “The demon was using magic on your mind. They can see into your mind and heart, and they try to offer you what you want most.”

Fenris scowled again. “It seemed so convincing. Is that what it's like all the time for mages? It's no wonder...”

It occurred to her that Fenris had spent a lot of time around mages, but he had never really had the opportunity to talk to anyone about what it was like to BE a mage. “More or less. But your first encounter with a demon isn't usually a very powerful Pride demon in a situation where you can't just leave. You were at a disadvantage.”

Fenris made a low grumbling noise.

Marian decided to continue. “They're attracted to magic, and to strong desires and emotions. That's why the people who end up possessed are usually either weak or power-hungry, or in a desperate situation where they have nothing left to lose. It's dangerous, as a mage, to want something you can never have.”

They were both silent. Worried about the silence stretching on indefinitely, Marian spoke up again, “It isn't usually too hard to resist demons once you learn to recognize them. On the other hand, you can't get cocky. People start to think they can outsmart them, or that they'll be safe as long as they follow certain rules. Even mages who do everything right can fall to demons, sometimes. I know that I have to be especially careful. I suppose it also helps to keep a friend around with a huge sword, just in case.”

Fenris stared at her with his eyes wide, as if he was considering the implications of what she'd just said. “You would be horrifying as an abomination.”

“Thanks?”

“I was being serious. You are very powerful.”

They fell back into silence briefly, before Fenris spoke again. “But you summon demons, don't you? When you heal people?”

“Spirits,” she corrected automatically.

“You sound like Anders.” It was almost a growl.

Marian laughed a little. “I suppose that 'spirit' could just the name we give to the things from the Fade that usually don't care either way about mortals, and that 'demon' is what we call the things from the Fade that try to possess mortals. It may very well be a completely arbitrary distinction to make, but as a mortal myself I feel like it's an important one.”

“That's... one way to look at it.”

“Spirits will tell you they have nothing in common with demons at all, but demons say that they're all the same. I'm not sure how self-aware they are. The Chantry says that the spirits were the first children of the Maker. According to them, the demons apparently used to be spirits but they were corrupted by their desires. If they're actually right, it probably could be possible for a spirit to be corrupted and turn into a demon without realizing it.”

“So you ARE talking about Anders,” Fenris said drily.

“You said it, not me.” Marian frowned. “I actually have no idea what's going on with Anders. I don't think he does, either. I worry about him.”

“You're too kind to people.”

“So I've been told.”

“It's dangerous.”

Marian stared at Fenris' hands for several breaths. She finally met his eyes again. “Theoretically, I might be a complete hypocrite for saying that I hate demons and then working with spirits. I'm not sure that I'll ever know.” She paused. "I should probably get home, though."

"Goodnight, Hawke."

Marian managed to smile a little. "I'll see you later, Fenris."

 

The mage situation continued to get worse. The Qunari situation also got worse. Several other things probably worsened, too. Now that Sebastian was part of Marian's group, she tried to bring him along on a job to get to know him better. This was working well until she heard him talking to Anders. 

“You were given to the Circle. I was given to the Chantry. Hawke was driven away from home by the darkspawn. None of us are free.”

Marian stopped suddenly and turned around. She vaguely registered that Anders almost tripped in an attempt to not run into her. “Hold on, did you seriously just compare templars to darkspawn?” she asked Sebastian.

“That's not quite what I-”

“It's completely ridiculous. People have accused me of being an extremist, but even I wouldn't go that far.” Marian turned around before she said anything else and started walking again. They finished the work they had to do in Hightown, so Aveline left to go to the Viscount's Keep and Sebastian went back to the Chantry. Marian offered to let Anders go back to Darktown through the passage in her cellar, explaining that she wanted to talk to him, anyway.

Cecily was playing with the dog when they arrived. She immediately ran to hug Marian when she saw her. Marian lifted her daughter up and kissed her. 

Cecily noticed Anders. “Hi!” she said, waving to him as Marian set her down.

“Hi there!” Anders replied. “I haven't seen you in so long, you've gotten big! You look so much like your mother!”

“No, she doesn't,” Marian muttered quietly.

Cecily looked Anders up and down. “I love your feathers! They're so silly!”

“Thanks, Cecily! Would you like to feel them?”

“Yeah!”

Anders crouched so that Cecily could squeeze his shoulder. She giggled. “It's fluffy!” She leaned over to kiss his cheek, and then pulled back. “Your face is spiky! That's a spiky kiss!”

Anders stood back up and smiled. The smile didn't make it all the way up to his eyes (it barely even spread to most of his _mouth_ ), but it was still the happiest face Marian had seen on him in more than a year. “Would you like a feather?”

“Yes!” She reached her hand up.

Anders pulled out one of his feathers. Cecily reached for it, but he held it out of her grasp. “Watch what happens when I drop it,” he said. He let the feather go, and Cecily watched it sway back and forth as it fell.

She picked up the feather and dropped it again, watching it intently. “Why does it do that?”

“Well, there's air resistance-” Anders started to explain.

“Why?”

“Because of the way it's shaped-”

“Why?”

“You ask why a lot, don't you?” Anders asked with another partial smile.

“I always say say why,” Cecily said proudly. “Sandal always says enchantment.”

Marian decided to cut in. “Hey, Anders and I need to go talk about adult stuff. I'll play with you later, all right?”

“I want to talk about adult stuff!”

Marian motioned for Anders to follow her into the library. “I'll see you soon, Cecily!”

She heard Cecily grumble as she closed the door.

“She was very sweet,” Anders said as they walked to the other side of the library. 

“Cecily's really affectionate. She hugs and kisses Orana constantly, and she tells her that she's beautiful almost every day.”

“I think I needed that. For a minute there I felt human, or like I was a good person. It was nice.”

Marian wrapped her arms around Anders' waist to hug him. She thought about reassuring him that he was human, or that he was good, or that everything would be okay, but she didn't think either of them would believe any of those. She finally decided to say, “You're doing a lot of good things. You deserve happiness.” She rested her cheek against his shoulder.

“Thank you, Hawke.” Anders held her tightly, almost as if he was making sure that she was real.

When Anders relaxed the hug, Marian stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. She winced. “Hmm, your face IS kind of... stabby.”

“Sorry.” They stepped away from each other. He leaned against the wall. “Speaking of your daughter, I'm guessing you still haven't told her?”

“No,” she said in a somewhat guilty voice. “I know that I need to have the magic conversation with her, but it's never a good time. In fact, it's becoming more and more of a worse time. Talking about sex is going to be so easy after this.”

“You'll have to do it eventually.”

“I know. I guess I'm just hoping that we'll overthrow the Chantry before that time comes.”

She noticed with some pride that she actually got Anders to laugh a little bit at that. “Maker willing,” he said.

Marian quirked an eyebrow. “You think that's the will of the Maker?”

Anders' face turned serious. “We can't know what the Maker wants because He abandoned us. I can only do what I know is right and trust that He will judge me whole.”

“Huh. I guess that makes sense." She looked at him, staring at the worried creases in his forehead and between his eyes. "Actually, that's what I wanted to talk about. What was wrong with Sebastian earlier? Not only the Blight thing, but he seriously equated you being taken to the Circle with him being given to the Chantry, even though he left the Chantry and nobody's trying to hunt him down and drag him back. Elthina was even supportive of it!”

“You have a point there,” Anders mused.

“Speaking of Elthina, what is her problem?”

“Can you be a bit more specific?”

“I tried to talk to her about being more helpful, and her excuse for not doing anything is that the Chantry is supposed to be like a 'gentle mother.' She doesn't even have children! What does she know about motherhood?”

Anders looked at her thoughtfully. Marian continued, speaking more quickly and a bit louder. “If Cecily treated anyone the way the Templars treat mages here, of course I would do something about it! I wouldn't just let her learn on her own!”

Anders sighed. “I know. It just feels hopeless, sometimes. I'm doing everything I can, but nothing is being done about the underlying issues.”

“Yeah.” Marian's posture slumped, her previous angry energy gone. “I wish I could do more to help other mages, but I'm already getting too much attention as it is.”

“The fact that you exist at all is huge; a free mage who fights for the good of everyone. You force people to acknowledge that someone like you is possible.”

Marian smiled weakly and rolled her eyes. “Yay, I'm a political symbol!”

“Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.”

“I know,” Marian said. “I wish that I was just allowed to _exist_ , you know?”

“Believe me, I do.”

“Do you want any food?”

“Sorry, what?” Anders blinked, taken aback.

“Food? While you're here? I know you can't stay too long.”

“No thanks, I'm fine.”

“You're actually eating occasionally, right?” Marian asked pointedly.

“Yes, I do eat.”

“All right,” she said, clearly not convinced.

“So, speaking of family and the Chantry,” he asked slowly, “how's your brother doing?”

Marian looked skeptical about his shameless attempt to change the subject, but she answered him anyway. “I don't know. I don't even think he's seen this house since we moved in. Mother visits him sometimes but I won't let her take Cecily. Honestly, you know more about what happens in the Gallows than I do.”

“I haven't heard any complaints about him. That's usually a positive sign.”

“Huh. Good for him, I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may owe Sebastian an apology by the end of this story.


	6. Act 2 Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part where everything in Hawke's life goes to hell.

Marian found out too late that the blood mage she had killed wasn't actually the serial killer. As her mother died in her arms, her first thought was, “Who's going to watch Cecily now?” Her second thought was that she would probably be blamed for this.

Varric promised to take care of everything so Marian just walked home, feeling numb. Gamlen did blame her, as well as magic in general. Marian and the killer were both humans, and neither of them were originally from Kirkwall. There were probably other categories that they both fit into, but Marian didn't think of them as being anything alike until Gamlen immediately held mages as a whole responsible for his sister's death and said that it would have been better if Marian was normal, like Carver. She didn't try to contradict him or stop him from insulting her. It's unkind to argue with people when they're grieving. She felt a little bit cold, but mostly numb.

* * *

Fenris had hoped that he would be able to think of something to say on the way to Hawke's house, but he couldn't come up with anything. What had happened to her mother was terrible, an example of some of the worst that magic could do. Leandra had always been polite to Fenris. She didn't complain that he was at her house so often, although she did have a tendency to tell him about her attempts to find a husband for Hawke. It was implied that a suitable husband would obviously be someone rich and human who wore shoes, as if to dissuade Fenris from thinking that he had a chance with her daughter. Still, she was kinder to him than most humans were and she didn't deserve to die like that. Nobody did. 

His heart ached for Hawke, who was still confusing and dangerous but also _good_ , and she had already lost too much. Fenris was at her front door now, and he still had nothing to say. He opened the door and was greeted by Bodahn, who explained that Hawke was in her bedroom and was probably still awake. Fenris walked through the house unescorted. It was strange that it didn't feel strange to do this. He knocked on the door softly.

“Come in!” It was Hawke's voice.

Hawke sat up when he entered the room. Cecily was in bed with her. He could see a small lump under the blanket with a cloud of black hair at the top. “Sorry,” he started to say, “I didn't realize-”

“No, it's fine.” Hawke tried for a weak smile. “It's good to see you.”

Fenris opened his mouth, trying in vain to come up with something. “I... don't know what to say, but I am here.” That maybe could have gone better.

Hawke's smile was still barely there, but it looked real now. “You don't have to say anything. I'm just glad that you're here.” He watched her close her mouth and open it, then close it again and look down at the bed. 

“Hawke?”

“Could you stay with us tonight, please?”

It was a bad idea, but there was no way he could refuse her when she looked so sad and vulnerable. “Of course,” he said.

Hawke lay on her side and moved closer to Cecily, implying that he was supposed to lie next to her in bed. He climbed in, cautiously. Fenris had spent a lot of time in Hawke's home, yes, but this was only the second time that he had actually been in her bed. Lying down, he realized that everything smelled like her. He was almost enveloped in it. Even though she was in mourning and her daughter was a few feet away and he had left her and didn't deserve to, he couldn't _not_ think about sex. Hawke leaned back against him, somehow pressing her ass against his groin in a chaste way. It didn't help. 

Fenris tentatively set a hand at her hip and then moved it to her waist, which seemed less sexual but more intimate. “Thank you,” Hawke said, her voice choking up. She pulled on his arm until it was wrapped across her stomach. 

He held her as her body shook with silent cries until she finally drifted off to sleep. Fenris had trouble sleeping. He had too many complicated emotions, and he was very aware of the unfamiliar bed and Hawke's body pressed against him. Even so, it didn't occur to him to do anything else. Hawke needed him.

Fenris must have fallen asleep, because he realized that he was waking up as the sun was starting to rise. Cecily and Hawke were still sleeping, and Hawke's back was still pressed against him. He noticed that his cock was poking her and moved his hips farther away. The whole situation was very surreal. 

He didn't know that he dozed off again until there was more sunlight coming in through the window and Cecily was climbing on his legs. “Hi, Fenris!” she said. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh, good morning, Cecily.” Fenris looked over at Hawke for guidance, and was relieved to see that she was waking up.

Hawke met his eyes, and hers widened. “You're still here,” she said in a weak, breathy voice. Was it a question or a statement? “You stayed all night?”

“...Yes?” Of course he had.

“Thank you.” It was somewhere between a sob and a gasp. “That was so kind of you... you didn't have to... I'm sorry, I won't impose on you like that again-”

“Mama?” Cecily interrupted her. “Is Grandma here?”

“No, sweetie. She's gone. She died, remember?”

From the look on Cecily's face, she did remember but she was hoping that it wasn't true. Her lip trembled and her eyes closed and she made a long, anguished wailing noise. She started crying. Hawke pulled her in for a hug and Cecily collapsed against her mother.

“I will see you later, Hawke.” Fenris let himself out of the house quickly, not wanting to intrude.

* * *

The next few days were a blur of exhausted grief. Nobody else came to the house, and Marian didn't leave. Bodahn and Orana expressed their sincere condolences, even though they were obviously sad themselves. Sandal even said “I'm sorry” in a very serious voice. 

Merrill was the first person from the outside world to stop by. She started by expressing sympathy and offering Marian mysterious food out of a large bowl (she described it as "soup" as if that would explain everything) but she got distracted when she saw Cecily. “Oh, da'len!” she said, “You're getting so big! You look more like your mother every day.”

Marian grimaced but didn't say anything. 

Merrill had only been there for a few minutes before Cecily started crying loudly and unconsolably. She apologized and left.

Fenris visited the next day. He was carrying a bag, which Cecily was very interested in. “What's in the bag?” she asked after she realized that she was too short to take it from him and look inside.

“I brought presents,” he said.

“Are there presents for me?” She was almost bouncing with curiosity.

Fenris set the bag down on a table out of her reach. He pulled out a doll and gave it to her. Her eyes lit up. “It's so beautiful! Thank you, Fenris!” Cecily ran off, saying something about introducing the doll to the rest of her toys.

Marian moved closer to Fenris but she didn't touch him. “Thank you,” she said with a smile. “I haven't seen her that happy since...” her voice trailed off.

“This is for you.” Fenris took something wrapped in paper out of the bag and handed it to her.

Marian opened it. “Ooh, those pastries that I like with the fruit in them! Thanks!”

They sat down and ate pastries for a while until Fenris spoke up. “How are you?”

“Cecily isn't doing well at all. She keeps asking me questions about death; I think she's having trouble understanding the concept. She's also really sad and irritable and she won't stop clinging to me. This is literally the most time she's spent away from me, including when I'm trying to bathe." Marian's eyes widened in frustration. She paused to eat some more before continuing. "Cecily's always exhausted but she hasn't been sleeping well, which means that I don't get to sleep much, either. I don't know how much longer I can stay home with her. The Viscount was nagging me to meet with him _before_ my mother died, and I still have a list of jobs that I agreed to. I offered to double what I'm paying Orana if she'd babysit when I'm out. She was very confused, but I'm pretty sure she agreed to it.” Marian was sometimes tempted to ask Fenris to help explain Orana's behavior, but she wasn't sure whether or not it would offend him. Fenris didn't say anything so she went on, “At least Cecily will be with someone she already knows.”

“But are YOU all right?” he asked.

“I have to be, don't I?”

They finished the pastries and sat in silence for a while. Marian noted that this was something she liked about Fenris; he didn't have a problem with silence. 

It didn't last long. Cecily ran back into the room and started telling both Marian and Fenris about her doll. After she finished showing both of them that the doll had black hair like her, she abruptly changed the subject. “Fenris, why do you have ears like Orana?”

“I'm an elf.” Marian was surprised to hear that he sounded amused rather than irritated.

“Why don't my ears look like that?” Cecily asked him.

“You're human.”

“Will I have ears like you when I get bigger?”

“No.” Fenris sounded very confused. Marian continued to watch the conversation, trying not to laugh.

“Why?”

“As I said, you're a human, not an elf.”

“But I want to be an elf!”

“No, you don't,” Fenris said drily.

“I want to be an elf!” Cecily yelled and started crying.

Marian stood up and walked toward Cecily. “Ooookay, I think you should try to take a nap now.”

“But I'm not tired!”

“Come on,” Marian tried to usher her toward the bedroom.

“I'M NOT TIRED!” Cecily screamed.

Marian mouthed “Sorry!” at Fenris as she carried Cecily to bed.

 

Eventually, Marian had to start working again. Cecily didn't handle it well. When Marian was home, Cecily yelled at her and tried to hit her, but she also followed Marian everywhere and clung to her as much as possible. She cried every time Marian left the house. It turned out that Orana had a lot of experience taking care of children from when she was a slave and she was very good with Cecily, but it had to be frustrating for her. Marian was grateful that Orana had known Cecily previously, when she was sweet and usually well-behaved. At least she knew that Cecily was a good kid who was trying to cope with loss, and not a spoiled noble child.

 

She really shouldn't have been surprised when things got worse. Deranged Carta dwarves attacked both Marian and Carver. They had to leave Kirkwall to track them down, and Marian found out that she would have to go into the Deep Roads. She had promised Cecily that she would never leave her to do that again, but there wasn't any other option. The Carta kept saying things about blood and they were apparently targeting Marian's family members. Fortunately, they didn't seem to know about Cecily's existence. She resolved to kill them before they found out.

Varric and Fenris were with Marian again, but this time she brought Carver instead of Isabela because she remembered what happened the last time she didn't take him to the Deep Roads. The group dynamic was very different. Isabela somehow had an ability to bring out the lighthearted and sexy side of anyone's personality, and Carver was similarly able to make everybody grumpy just by being near them. He seemed to want to impress Varric and Fenris with how grown-up and strong he was, which was kind of funny to watch.

Carver's armor was also distracting. After spending all of her life trying to avoid templars, it was uncomfortable for Marian to constantly see templar armor out of the corner of her eye. She had frequent moments of semi-panic when she noticed him following her before she remembered that it was her brother. Marian had to admit that the templar armor was tough, at least. It was nice to not have to heal him as often as Isabela. She had spent the last few years expecting some kind of awkward confrontation the next time she saw Carver, but it never happened. Apparently, harassing mages had either matured Carver or made him more conflict-averse. They mostly ignored each other and focused on killing dwarves and darkspawn. 

When Marian first heard her father's voice, she was sure that she had to be wrong. It must be someone else who sounded like him. When the voice didn't stop, Marian was convinced that she was hallucinating. She was relieved to look over and see that Carver had the same look of recognition that she did. It was comforting to hear his voice again, but the things he actually said were alarming. Malcolm Hawke had been forced to use blood magic by the Grey Wardens. If that was normal for the Wardens, Marian could understand why Anders had left them. 

Most people were opposed to blood magic because it was prohibited by the Chantry, but Marian had never taken the Chantry very seriously. It wasn't necessary to learn blood magic from a demon. Merrill would probably teach Marian if she asked. It was also true that blood magic could be used to do terrible things like summoning demons and enthralling people, but it could be used for normal magic, too. It's technically just another source of power that could be particularly useful for fighting templars, who had the ability to drain mana. The only reason why Marian had never considered blood magic to be an option was because her father had been adamantly opposed to it and had instilled this value in both her and Bethany from an early age. To find out that her father had used blood magic, and to learn that he'd done it exactly once in his life, under coercion, and had never wanted her to find out... it both called her reasons for not doing blood magic into question and strengthened her resolve to never use it.

It was both painful and surprising to hear her father say that he'd hoped she wouldn't be a mage. He had never acted as though he was anything other than proud of her. 

There were more demons and more darkspawn. At least it didn't take as long as the last time they went to the Deep Roads. There was a really long and exhausting fight with an ancient darkspawn, and then they were finally done.

 

It was night time when the group got back to Kirkwall. Marian tried to figure out a nice way to thank Carver for not doing anything stupid, and she ended up inviting him back to her house. Even after living in the same house for most of their lives, Marian wasn't sure what to do with Carver once they were home. They stood in front of the fire and had a tense conversation that was thankfully interrupted by Cecily's voice at the top of the stairs.

“You came back!” She was staring at Marian with a look of genuine surprise.

“Of course da'len, I told you she would!” For some reason, Merrill was following Cecily down the stairs.

“Wait, Merrill? What are you doing here?”

Carver spoke up before Merrill could say anything. “Is that you, Cecily? You've grown so much!” He turned to Marian. “Maker, she's the spitting image of Beth.”

Marian smiled, even though her eyes were starting to tear up. “I've missed you, Brother.”

 

It turned out that Merrill had worried about Orana taking care of a toddler in a city that was still new to her, and had stepped in to help. Orana was scared to leave the house, so Merrill offered to accompany her every time she went out, eager to show off her knowledge of Kirkwall now that she wasn't getting lost anymore. She'd also spent a lot of time with Cecily; playing with her and telling stories and taking walks around Hightown. Merrill even watered the plants while Marian was gone.

Marian went by Merrill's house to thank her, once she was settled back at home. “You really didn't have to do so much. Orana is very grateful, and Cecily won't stop talking about how much fun she had with you. I felt terrible leaving her so soon after my mother died... I think you're the reason why my daughter has held it together at all. Is there something I can do to thank you? Anything at all?”

“I... I need you to help me talk to the Keeper.”

Merrill was still using blood magic to repair her mirror, the one that killed members of her clan in the past. She wanted to get a tool from the Keeper that would help her continue to work with demons in order to repair the mirror. Marian was suddenly very uncomfortable. She agreed to at least go with Merrill. It wouldn't hurt to take a walk with her, right? 

That's what she told Fenris when she talked him into coming with her. “I'm accompanying Merrill to support her as a friend, not because I support what she's doing. It's all up to the Keeper, anyway. It doesn't matter what I think because I'm not even an elf. From what Merrill has said, it sounds like the Keeper will refuse her request and then our job will be to comfort Merrill and make sure that nothing kills her on the way there or back.” Fenris reluctantly agreed to come along, as did Varric.

The atmosphere on Sundermount was tense. Everyone was staring at Merrill, even more than they were staring at Marian. She learned what a Varterral was, and that they are very difficult to kill. At least the situation was ethically unambiguous so far. Marian had no problem killing monsters that had been attacking people. She still didn't understand what Merrill was doing with the mirror, but she didn't like it. The whole process sounded dangerous and there were demons involved, which was never a good idea. Even the Keeper, who knew more about the situation, seemed to agree with Marian. 

She was shocked and almost angry when the Keeper gave her the arulin'holm. It wasn't her place to decide what to do with elven artifacts. Merrill was looking at her expectantly and she had to make a decision on the spot. The uncomfortable silence seemed to stretch on indefinitely...

“No, I won't give it to you,” Marian finally said. “I can't enable this.”

Merrill was furious, but the Keeper was happy. Marian spent the trip home worrying about her decision. Was it really right to keep it from Merrill? The arulin'holm was just a woodcarving tool. But Merrill had planned to use it for something that was ill-advised and dangerous... Had she made the right choice? WAS there a right choice in this situation?

She tried to talk to Merrill about it back at her home, but Merrill told her to leave and not come back. When Isabela heard what had happened, she was also angry with Marian for getting involved in Merrill's business. Everybody else reassured her that she had done the right thing, but she was still unconvinced. It didn't help that Cecily wouldn't stop talking about Merrill and asking when she could see her again.

 

It got worse, again. Nobody was really surprised when the Qunari finally attacked. Marian felt like an idiot for being surprised when Isabela left, as if having faith in her friend would change her at all. It also shouldn't have been surprising to realize that the Knight-Commander not only knew who Marian was, but knew that she was a mage.

They met a Fereldan Grey Warden who seemed nice enough, but Marian still didn't trust their order. She thought back to how idealistic and hopeful she had been when her family first left Ferelden. Now, Bethany and Mother were dead and Carver was all but gone. Cecily was the only family that Marian had left, and she was still angry with her for leaving. After almost a lifetime of ignoring her emotions and needs in favor of helping others, Marian had nothing to show for it. Her friends didn't want to have anything to do with her. The city that she'd worked so hard to protect was falling apart and the worst thing was that the Kirkwallers who didn't hate Marian for being Fereldan hated her for being an apostate. The time that she'd spent cultivating goodwill with the Arishok didn't seem to have done any good, either. And Fenris... that was too painful to even think about. She forced her face into a grim, serious expression and stepped into the Viscount's Keep. It almost broke her heart to realize that it didn't bother her at all when the Viscount's head was thrown at her. Had she really fallen this far? Marian tried to be diplomatic and friendly with the Arishok, but it was mostly out of habit at this point.

 

“...I believe I can answer that.” It was Isabela. She had come back. She returned because of Marian, because Marian was nice to her. The city might be saved now, all because Marian had been kind to someone without expecting anything in return. Everything good that she had ever done was suddenly validated, just when she was starting to give up hope. She wanted to laugh and cry and hug Isabela. _Of course_ Marian was willing to duel the Arishok for her. She would do anything for anybody who needed help, because it was the right thing to do.

The Arishok was actually really fast, and his weapons were HUGE. This was going to be a harder fight than Marian had thought. Still, she wasn't just a healer. She could kill people too. Marian tried a few different attacks, but the Arishok barely seemed to notice. He caught up with her quickly and thrust his sword forward, tearing through her robes easily and penetrating her abdomen. He raised the sword _with her still impaled on it_ and held it up in the air. 

He had somehow missed Marian's spine and she was still conscious. Time seemed to slow down as she flailed helplessly in midair. _This is it_ , she thought. _I'm going to die like this_. Faces flashed in her mind. She thought of Cecily, smiling and hugging her. _I'm sorry I wasn't more patient. I'm sorry I was gone so much. You are so intelligent and strong and I will always be proud of you._ Marian saw Carver's face, scowling. _I get it, okay? No hard feelings. If there's an afterlife, I'll give your love to Mother and Father and Bethany._ She glanced over at the stairs and saw Fenris standing there. Marian thought of his eyebrows, of all things. She had never met anyone else who could convey such a large range of emotion using only their eyebrows. _I've been in love with you for a very long time. I never told you because I knew it wouldn't change anything. Sorry I never got to help you kill Danarius._ She waited to die for what felt like forever.

Suddenly, Marian was on the ground and still alive. The sword was removed. She tried to stagger away from the Arishok as quickly as possible while healing herself at the same time, trying to close the wound before she lost too much blood. Once she was stabilized, she cast an armor spell and a shield spell and Heroic Aura on herself. She would still need medical attention if she survived, but he wouldn't be able to kill her in one hit now. The spells took a lot of mana, so she drank a lyrium potion and ran to the other side of the room, narrowly avoiding one of the Arishok's blades.

It didn't take long for Marian to realize that she could outrun the Arishok or she could attack him, but she couldn't do both while staying out of his reach. If only there was a way to immobilize him... She tried an ice spell, but he broke through it quickly. Marian drank another potion and ran away again.

She didn't use spells from the Primal school very often, but she remembered that Petrify could also be used to immobilize enemies. Marian tried to remember how to cast it and held her breath. It worked! The Arishok glared at her from where he was helplessly encased in rock as she attacked him again and again. Of course, he was eventually able to break through it. At that point, the fight almost became boring. Marian got into a routine of running, casting Petrify, attacking, and binge-drinking lyrium. She was able to stay far enough away to avoid getting hit for the most part, and the defensive spells she had set up were powerful enough that she didn't suffer any more injuries. The Arishok, on the other hand, was slowly weakened until he finally collapsed. 

The people in the crowd realized what had happened and started rushing towards Marian as she just stood there in a daze, still holding her staff in a defensive position. The reality only sank in when she was declared Champion of Kirkwall. She was exhausted and she felt dizzy and nauseated from all the lyrium, but she had been victorious and was very much alive. 

Fenris was the first one of Marian's friends to reach her. “Can you walk?” he asked, and then surprised her by trying to carry her without waiting for an answer.

“Yeah, I'm okay,” she said, pulling away so that he wouldn't have to touch her. “I just need to rest for a few days and I should be fine. I mostly need to detox my system, actually. Nobody should have that much lyrium, ever.” She remembered who she was talking to and added, “Sorry, I didn't mean that the way it sounded-”

“Hawke,” Fenris interrupted. His eyebrows looked very serious. “I watched you almost be killed. How can you be so calm-”

“It's all right, I promise. My stomach looks a lot worse than it actually is because of all the blood on my clothes; I'm healing it as we speak.”

She went back to her home and promptly terrified Bodahn when he answered the door. Support mages don't normally come home injured and covered in blood, apparently. Marian cleaned and dressed her wound, put on fresh clothes, and sank into bed gratefully. 

 

Marian didn't have much time to process everything that had happened because Cecily wouldn't leave her alone. She had been safely inside the house while the battle raged in the streets, but she seemed to realize that there was something wrong with her mother. Once Marian got the point across that she needed to stay in bed because she was hurt, Cecily spent the rest of the day snuggling up next to her. They read stories together until they both fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the Arishok fight, I'm assuming that the game is set to Normal difficulty and Hawke's Willpower isn't as high as it probably should be.


	7. The Last Three Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are a lot of random silly things that were requested by the person who prompted this in the first place, and also a lot of dialogue.

Fenris went to see Hawke the day after the battle with the Qunari. Cecily greeted him from inside the fort she had made out of blankets and furniture in the sitting room. Bodahn informed Fenris that Hawke already had visitors, who turned out to be Anders, Varric, and Aveline. He found them standing around Hawke's bed. She was laying in the middle of it, staring awkwardly up at everybody. They were in the middle of a conversation that mostly seemed to consist of Hawke trying to convince everybody that she just needed some bed rest, but she was fine. 

Fenris tried to move between Varric and Aveline. Cecily, who had apparently followed him upstairs, appeared in the doorway.

“She's getting big!” Varric said when he noticed her.

“Why do people say that?” asked Cecily as she climbed up onto her mother's bed.

"Why do they say what?"

“People always say I'm getting big.” Fenris remembered that Cecily never spent time around other children. She probably didn't realize that it was normal for her to be smaller than everyone.

“You're growing quickly,” Marian told her. “You're a lot bigger than you used to be.”

“Will I be as big as you are?”

“Some day, probably.”

Cecily looked very happy about this. She bounced on the bed a few times. “When I get big, can I wear your clothes?” 

“Sure?”

Cecily squealed and crawled on top of Marian, who suddenly shrieked. Fenris immediately grabbed Cecily. He tried to set her down on the floor as gently as possible but she started crying.

“Cecily, it's fine.” Marian was wincing. “Just don't put pressure on my stomach, remember?”

“Abelas, Mama,” Cecily said as she clung to her mother's arm.

Fenris looked at Hawke curiously. 

“Apparently she told Merrill that she wants to be an elf, and Merrill thought teaching her Elvhen would be the next best thing. Can you imagine if an adult human tried that? 'Hi, I know my people killed and enslaved yours, but I want to learn your ancient secrets!'” 

Fenris was pretty sure that a human who tried that with any other Dalish elf would be dead before they could finish talking.

As if Marian had heard his thoughts, she turned to Cecily and said “You're lucky you're cute.” She looked back at the adults in the room. “At least I know what abelas means. I'm pretty sure I've heard her speaking with Orana in Tevene—I might actually need you to translate sometime, Fenris. Isabela also claimed that she taught Cecily how to swear in Orlesian, Rivaini, _and_ Antivan while we were in the Deep Roads, but I hope she was just making that up.”

“Shall I teach her Qunlat too?” Fenris asked without thinking. He mentally criticized himself for bringing up the race of people who had just tried to kill Hawke.

Hawke, however, just laughed and said “You might as well.”

“That reminds me," Anders said, "Can I take a look at your stomach?”

“It's fine. I don't need your help.”

The hurt expression on Anders' face was kind of satisfying.

“Look, if I was sick or if I got pregnant again and I needed someone to deliver the baby, of course I would go to you.” 

Fenris tried not to look startled. Why was Hawke talking about getting pregnant? Who was she sleeping with? 

“This is just a single injury,” she continued. “I heal stuff like this all the time. I know you could do it in your sleep, but I also know that you're too busy to sleep right now, let alone heal me."

“I just want to take a look so I don't have to worry about you anymore.”

Hawke rolled her eyes. “All right, suit yourself.”

Anders sat down on the bed next to her, like it was nothing to him. He pulled her nightshirt up until it was just under her breasts, and he moved the blanket down until it barely covered her pubic hair. He didn't seem to notice that Fenris was glaring at him. Anders untied the bandages around her waist. Why did he have to touch her so much to do this?

The wound was much better-looking than it reasonably should be; Fenris would have guessed that Hawke was injured at least a month ago. On the other hand, it was much worse than Hawke had made it sound. Anders moved his hand over the area. Fenris watched Hawke's face closely for any sign that Anders was hurting her. 

“You did all this yourself?" Anders asked. "That's really good!” 

Hawke rolled her eyes at him again. “You don't have to sound so surprised.”

They started talking about magic. The conversation was as deliberately vague and boring as possible so that Cecily wouldn't realize, but Fenris recognized what they meant immediately. He was deeply uncomfortable and almost angry. He felt torn between wanting to go anywhere else and needing to stay by Hawke's side to make sure that she was safe. 

Hawke was careful to not bring Fenris along when she was doing jobs that involved magic or mages. He almost never had to spend time around Anders or Merrill, even though he knew that she was friends with them. Hawke even brought home drafts of Anders' manifesto so that she could help with it when Cecily wasn't scattering the pages around the house. Fenris knew that magic was part of her life, but she only ever did things and talked about things that they agreed on when she was around him. It had almost been too easy to become complacent and forget about this other side of her.

Fenris glanced at Varric and Aveline, but they both seemed uninterested. He forced himself to actually listen to the conversation. They were still talking about healing her injury, something that Fenris supported. Neither of them were talking about how mages should become as powerful as possible in order to rule everyone, at least not yet. He had to stay calm, for Hawke's sake. Not that Fenris was afraid of her. Hawke had no power over him. To be honest, he was more concerned that he would make her sad. He realized how ridiculous that sounded the moment he admitted it to himself.

He only noticed that his hands were clenched into fists when Cecily tried to hold one of them. Fenris managed to relax them and watched her slip a tiny, pale hand inside his. He tried to smile at her. She stuck her tongue out at him, and he actually did smile a little. He watched Cecily look at the hole in her mother's abdomen. She seemed curious about it, but she didn't seem to realize that Hawke couldn't have survived without magic.

Cecily got bored quickly once the bandages were replaced, and she wandered back downstairs. Hawke finally changed the subject only to start talking about Merrill. “I'm concerned. She still won't talk to me, and I know she must be upset that Isabela's gone.”

“You did the right thing, Hawke” Aveline replied. “It's not your fault she's acting like this.”

Anders muttered something that sounded like it was in agreement.

“I know. I'm still worried, though. I wish I knew what to tell Cecily.”

* * *

Things were quieter for a while. Marian's body finished healing, which meant that she could resume trying to get out of tedious noble obligations. Fenris continued to visit frequently to practice reading or help with Cecily or just hang out. Marian was still somewhat pathetically in love with him, even though she would never tell him that. He never brought up the one time they slept together, so she took the hint and avoided the subject altogether. 

Cecily turned five. Marian made an effort to spend a lot of time with her and to be as affectionate with her as possible. She eventually started sleeping better, which significantly improved her mood and behavior during the day. 

Carver visited Marian semi-regularly. Their relationship was uncomfortable, but she was surprised to realize that they were more civil to each other than they'd ever been before. Maybe they both finally grew up? They mostly talked about how Cecily was doing (which was easy, because she tried to monopolize Carver's attention whenever he was around) or the boring nobility stuff that Marian was expected to be a part of. Carver never missed an opportunity to make fun for Marian for becoming a fancy noblewoman and bringing it on herself. They both tried not to discuss mages or templars—even though it meant not talking about either of their work—but Carver gave occasional hints that he was concerned about the Knight-Commander going too far and making irrational, extreme decisions. Marian found it even more alarming when he implied that many other templars felt the same way.

Marian was concerned about Merrill. Varric reported that she almost never left her house. As far as he could tell, she was upset because Marian betrayed her and Isabela left, so she avoided humans altogether and devoted her time and energy to working on the mirror. After months without any contact, Marian decided to visit her. 

She thought about knocking on the door, but she remembered that Merrill had told her to just come in anytime she wanted because Marian was always welcome and Merrill was usually focusing on something in the back of the house. She was pretty sure that she wasn't welcome anymore, but would Merrill be offended if she knocked? Would she even hear it?

Marian settled for yelling at the door. “Um, hi Merrill! It's Marian!", she said loudly. "Hawke!”, she added, because she had a suspicion that nobody actually knew her first name. 

“Yes?” It was Merrill's voice. It was difficult to read any emotion from the one word, but she didn't sound especially angry.

“May I come in, please? Or could I at least talk to you?”

There was a pause, and then “All right, come on in.” There was definitely some kind of emotion there. Was it sadness?

Marian opened the door and stepped inside. She tried not to make it obvious that she was staring at Merrill, desperately hoping to figure out how Merrill was feeling. She kind of looked sad. Maybe.

“You wanted to talk to me?” Merrill said warily.

Marian took a deep breath. “About the arulin'holm. I know I really hurt you, and I'm sorry. I don't regret my decision and I understand that this probably makes my apology ring hollow, but I AM sorry.”

Merrill didn't say anything. She appeared to be staring very hard at a crack in the floor.

“I also wanted to thank you for being there for Cecily when she really needed someone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay you for that.”

“I didn't do it for you,” Merrill said, still looking at the floor.

“I know.” Marian continued to stare at Merrill, who avoided her gaze. “Look, I understand if you never want to see me again, but Cecily misses you. She wanted me to give you this.” She handed Merrill a chalk drawing of flowers.

Merrill took the drawing and smiled faintly. “Thank you, Hawke.”

 

A week later, Varric delivered a letter that was addressed to Cecily from Merrill, inviting her to go for a walk if she ever wanted to. Marian read the letter to a delighted Cecily and helped her write a response.

Merrill started spending time with Cecily regularly after that. She seemed to fulfill some kind of “weird, fun aunt” role that had been missing from Cecily's life. Marian suspected that Merrill also benefitted from hanging out with a child who looked up to her and was eager to learn as much as she could about Dalish history and culture. Her own relationship with Merrill was still strained, but she was happy that they were at least talking to each other again.

 

Marian came to the realization that she was going to have to talk to Merrill one day while she was out with Cecily. Cecily had been nagging Marian to take her to “the garden” and Marian couldn't figure out what she was referring to. 

“It's by a lot of stairs!” Cecily said.

“This is Kirkwall, sweetie. That doesn't really narrow it down.”

“It's big and there are trees and flowers!”

“That does sound lovely, but I don't know where to find it. I'm sorry.”

“I know where it is! You can follow me.”

Marian just shrugged her shoulders and agreed. After walking around Hightown, Cecily eventually led her to the Viscount's private garden. She was starting to show Marian the best place to climb over the wall when Marian interrupted her. 

“No- What?- Cecily, don't go in there! What's going on?” 

“This is the garden!” she said excitedly. “Remember I told you? It has a lot of flowers. They're so beautiful and delicious.”

“Cecily, this is important. Have you been inside there?”

“Yeah.”

“When?”

“I don't know. A lot of times.”

“That's private property. You're not supposed to go inside there... Wait, what do you mean, 'delicious'?”

“But Merrill said it was okay!”

Marian forced herself to lower her voice and take a deep breath. They were in public and she really didn't want draw attention to them, let alone scare her daughter. “Cecily, did you eat flowers from that garden?”

“Yeah. You can eat the purple flowers but don't eat the red flowers or you'll die.”

“I'm going to talk to Merrill about this but you can't go back here, okay? You'll get in a lot of trouble.”

Cecily grumbled but she allowed herself to be led home.

 

The conversation with Merrill was exactly as surreal and awkward as Marian had feared.

“Merrill, have you been taking Cecily inside the Viscount's garden?”

Merrill smiled brightly. “Yes! She's always so good in there. Hold on, that's the one with the high walls and the men with swords who always look cross, isn't it?”

Marian gritted her teeth. “Yes, Merrill. It's private property. People aren't allowed to go in there.”

“But why not?” Merrill sounded genuinely confused. “I remember Varric telling me that a long time ago, but I didn't think the Viscount would care anymore now that he's dead.”

“That's... actually a good point, but the land still belongs to the city.”

“Don't we live in the city?”

Marian smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. This was getting nowhere. “She also said that you were letting her eat the flowers? You really can't do that.”

“Oh, we never eat the poisonous flowers! I'm always so careful to watch her. And we make sure to leave some so that they'll re-pollinate and grow back.”

“You're missing the point. People aren't allowed to go inside and they definitely aren't allowed to pick the flowers.”

“Why? The weather is so lovely right now and the flowers are in bloom and there's no Viscount to enjoy it! Or did the humans choose a new Viscount? I miss things, sometimes.”

Marian just groaned. The worst part was that Merrill was actually starting to make sense. “Look, I get what you're saying but it's just a stupid human law, all right? Humans sometimes do weird things and we don't even know why we do them. I know you're trying to make Cecily happy but I don't want her to get arrested. Okay?”

“No, I don't think she'd like that very much,” Merrill said simply.

“Uh, thanks for understanding, Merrill.” Marian went to find something else to do before her headache got any worse.

 

Kirkwall continued to fall apart, but Marian's life was still peaceful. Cecily grew even taller. Marian was pretty sure that she was tall for her age, but she didn't have much basis for comparison. Cecily asked to get her hair cut short because she wanted to be like her mother and Merrill. Marian had to admit that it was much easier to brush, but even with short hair she still looked a lot like Bethany. 

When Cecily turned six, Varric gave her a story book that he'd written and printed himself. “I told everyone that she doesn't need any gifts,” Marian pointed out.

“You only said that so Blondie wouldn't feel bad about not being able to afford anything.”

“I... That's not the point, okay?”

“It's not like one book's going to spoil her. You want your daughter to be well-read, don't you?”

Marian just rolled her eyes. 

 

She stormed into his room at the Hanged Man the next day. “You couldn't have given any warning that the book is about _me_?”

“Whoa, calm down, Hawke,” he said smoothly. “What are you talking about?”

Marian made a frustrated noise. “It's like some weird alternate version of what's happened to me in Kirkwall. Everything is out of order and I can somehow make all the bad guys turn good just by talking to them and nobody dies except for dragons and those colorful monster things. Are they supposed to be demons?”

“The version for adults has more death and sex, if that's what you're worried about.”

Marian started to respond to that and then stopped herself. “But why do I have a sword?”

“Did you want me to tell her you're a mage?”

“I don't even know how to hold a sword! The whole book just barely resembles the truth enough for her to ask all these uncomfortable questions, and I have to figure out how to explain that the Viscount's son was already dead when we got there and I got blamed for it.”

“...So you're saying she likes the book?”

“Loves it. I had to pry it away to get her to take a bath and then she insisted on taking it in bed with her.”

 

When Anders heard about the book, he was more sympathetic until Marian got to the part about the sword. “How does she not know about magic yet? She has to be asking questions.”

“Yeah, Cecily keeps asking me about the templars, now that they're _everywhere_.”

Anders glared at nothing in particular.

“She seems really interested in my staffs, too. I have to keep them locked up so she won't touch them.”

Anders looked frustrated. “The bloody Knight-Commander knows about you. How much worse do you think a six-year-old's reaction is going to be?”

Marian's face fell. That comment had actually hurt a little. “It's not that. I know at this point it's probably more dangerous for her NOT to know, but... I guess I wanted to protect her from all of this for a little longer. She lives in this innocent and happy world without demons, where nobody is trying to hunt me down and kill me or drag me off to the Circle. I hate that I have to take that away from her.” She several breaths, trying not to cry. "Sorry... It's just a really emotional issue for me."

“This isn't your fault.” Anders' face relaxed and he held out an arm like he was thinking about touching Marian, but his voice sounded stern. “You're just trying to live freely and raise your daughter. You didn't ask for any of this.”

“Yeah... thanks.” Marian smiled weakly.

 

Marian decided that she would have the Magic Conversation with Cecily in a few days. She picked a date when she didn't have anything planned, and when she knew that Fenris had mercenary work so he wouldn't be dropping by. She even scheduled it in her journal with the initials M.C. (“like Marian and Cecily,” she thought).

When the day came, time seemed to go very slowly. Marian was nervous. _This is stupid_ , she thought. _I shouldn't be scared of this after everything I've faced. I need to just get it over with._

She decided to do it in the kitchen, in the late afternoon. The household staff were out of the room. Marian asked Cecily to sit down with her at the table. “So, Cecily, I need to tell you about something.” _Just say it and get it over with._ “I can do magic.” She set her hand on the table and produced a ball of light in her palm to demonstrate.

Cecily had a huge grin on her face, which was definitely not the reaction that Marian had been expecting. “I can do that too!” she said.

“No, you can't-”

“See?” Cecily stuck out her hand. Another ball of light appeared over it. It was smaller and more uneven than Marian's, but Cecily was obviously and unambiguously doing magic.

Marian held on to the edge of the table because it felt like she would fall otherwise. She cleared her throat, trying to remember how to speak. “H-how long have you ben able to do that?”

“I don't know,” Cecily said, shrugging.

Marian remembered listening to her her father's voice say that he hoped she wouldn't be a mage. She thought of everything Cecily would have to endure for the rest of her life; always watching out for templars when she was awake and demons when she was asleep, worrying that she would lose control and hurt someone, avoiding close friendships so nobody would find out, and worst of all, never being able to completely trust herself. 

She looked at Cecily, and remembered how much it had hurt to hear her father say that. She forced her face into a smile. “That's really good, sweetie! What else can you do?”

Cecily put her hand out again and produced a small chunk of ice this time. 

“Great job! But we REALLY need to talk now.”

Marian explained magic to Cecily. She told her about Father and Bethany and the Fade and the different schools of magic. Cecily started crying when Marian told her about demons. Her throat was getting very sore at this point so she made tea for both them. They drank tea together, and she continued talking. Marian gave a simplified explanation of the Tevinter Imperium and Andraste and the Circle and the templars, which prompted Cecily to ask, “Uncle Carver is a templar, isn't he? Does that mean he hates us?”

“No, it's... complicated, but he doesn't hate us.”

“So why's he a templar?”

“I don't think I completely understand, myself.”

Marian also told Cecily about her biological father, and how she had to leave before Cecily was born because she didn't want him to find out that she was a mage. Cecily didn't seem to care. She even looked bored. It made sense, Marian supposed, that she wouldn't be interested in someone she'd never met.

They took a break to eat dinner, and then talked some more until Cecily started yawning. Once she was asleep, Marian went through the passage to Darktown to see Anders. 

 

“...and now I'm going to have to teach her, and what am I going to tell Fenris?” she said to him after she'd explained everything about Cecily.

“Are you going to tell your brother?” Anders asked.

Marian groaned. “I hadn't thought that far ahead yet. I don't _know_...”

“I can help you teach her, at least. I wasn't at the Circle long enough for them to assign apprentices to me, but I spent a lot of time tutoring the younger ones. It's all right.”

“Yeah.” Marian took a deep breath and exhaled. “I remember helping Bethany, too. It was a long time ago and I wasn't that much older than her, but it's something. We'll figure it out.” It would be all right. Her father taught her how to do magic, and she could teach Cecily.

“You know,” Anders said as she was getting up to leave, “It occurred to me that it never even crossed your mind to send her to the Circle, did it?”

“Of course not!” Marian was shocked. “You of all people should know why that was never an option-”

“No, of course. It's just...” Anders looked down and smiled sadly. “Cecily is very fortunate to have you as a mother.”

 

Merrill was the next to find out. Her response was more positive. “Oh, I just knew it!”

“Cecily told you before she told me?” That wouldn't even be a surprise at this point.

“No, it's only that I had a feeling, you know? Cecily has magic! I'm so proud of her! I can teach her!”

“NO.” Marian said it in a near-yell without even thinking. 

She'd never seen Merrill actually look scared before. The hurt look was back, too. “She needs to learn how to use magic safely,” Merrill said sharply. “I know you don't exactly like me, but you can trust me with your daughter.” It was the same tone that she'd used after Marian refused to give her the arulin'holm.

“Fine,” Marian sighed and closed her eyes. “I know, you're right. Just no blood magic,” she glared at Merrill, “and nothing with demons at all-”

“Well of course, she's much too young for that-”

“You can teach her Entropic magic and the thing with the vines and stuff like that, but that's it. I'm serious, Merrill.”

Cecily walked into the room. Marian immediately stopped talking, but she shot Merrill stern glances every few seconds.

Cecily wanted to play with Merrill, so Marian took the opportunity to visit Fenris and tell him the news. She wished that she could just leave him out of this like she did with everything else involving magic, but it would be so much worse if he just happened to see Cecily doing magic while he was visiting. Marian had no idea how Fenris would react. He wouldn't be happy, obviously, but what would he do? Would Fenris still be willing to visit her? How would she explain the situation to Cecily if he suddenly refused to spend time with her? Would he try to insist on sending her to the Circle? Fenris hadn't tried to report Anders or Merrill to the templars so Cecily was probably safe, right? Even so, the idea of him disapproving of or rejecting Cecily was painful to think about. It was worse than him rejecting her. Marian was comfortable with the uneasy peace that characterized her friendship with Fenris. They disagreed with each other, but they liked and respected each other and Marian had accepted a long time ago that Fenris would never let her get too close, emotionally or physically. She didn't hold it against him, but Cecily was too young and innocent to understand. 

Fenris was home, and awake. He was also not wearing a shirt, which was nice. He invited Marian up to his room when she said that she wanted to talk. 

“So, I, uh, wanted to tell you that Cecily's a mage.”

Fenris snorted. “I'm not surprised.”

“I have no idea how long she's been able to do magic, but she just told me recently.”

Fenris was silent. He looked tense. The muscles in his abdomen were very distracting.

“She isn't going to the Circle.”

He snorted again.

“I've started teaching her about resisting demons and using magic. Anders and Merrill also offered to help teach her.”

“She will NOT learn blood magic,” Fenris snapped, glaring.

Marian almost laughed. “Yeah, that was exactly how I reacted, too.”

Fenris' posture relaxed a little but he didn't say anything.

“So, I understand if you don't want to come to my house anymore-”

“What?” he snapped again and then his voice softened, “I'm no longer welcome?”

“No, of course, you can visit whenever you like. It's just that I understand if you don't want to, anymore.”

Fenris' eyebrows looked skeptical. “Why not?”

“Well, because Cecily's a mage, so I wasn't sure...”

“You're a mage, and I visit you.”

_Yes, but now we outnumber you_ , she thought. What she said was “Fair enough.”

Marian thought this would be a good time to change the subject. She speculated out loud about what Sandal's deal was. Fenris offered his own theories, and she tried valiantly to maintain eye contact. He also told her about the mercenary jobs he'd been doing lately. Marian was happy to hear that they were almost all boring and easy. He made plans to see her later in the week.

 

Marian hadn't thought that she could be any more afraid of templars, but now she had to fear them on behalf of Cecily, too. Her position as Champion didn't offer much protection when everyone in the city knew who she was, and a lot of powerful people resented her. Cecily had become even more of an obvious weak point that anyone could use against her. Marian was scared to let her leave the house, but she felt a lot of guilt about depriving Cecily of friends her own age and normal childhood experiences.

Carver visited Marian when he had a day off, as he'd been doing lately. She met him in the foyer. She wasn't too concerned about him trying to take Cecily away, because it had been several years and he hadn't attempted to take _her_. The thing he said about the value of family should apply to nieces, right? Even if it didn't, he was unarmed and Marian was pretty sure that she could kill her little brother if she had to, templar skills or not.

“Hi, Carver! Just wanted to let you know before you see her, Cecily's a mage.”

“Oh... yeah... okay.” 

“I thought you'd be more surprised.”

“Yeah, I am! I mean, this is the first time you've told me.”

“You're so weird.” She shook her head.

“Just... be careful, yeah? I mean, you're okay and safe and everything, but I've seen what happens when people try to keep their mage kids at home and hide them-”

“I'm _okay_ and _safe_ because Father taught us, remember?”

“They don't tell us until it's too late and the kid's already killed people, and they didn't even do it on purpose. Or... I watch sweet little children turn into abominations more times than I like to think about and then I have to... It's always... Please be careful?” He actually looked worried. 

“You used to pick on me for being too careful. I'm very aware of the dangers.”

“Right.” Carver muttered. “Well, that's good.”

The rest of the visit went more smoothly. Cecily's interactions with Carver didn't change much. She had apparently forgotten about her concern that he hated her and her mother. Marian talked with him about bland, neutral topics as usual, but the atmosphere felt more comfortable than it had in a long time.

* * *

When Fenris went to visit Hawke, it started off normally. He knocked on the door, and he heard Cecily's muffled voice yell “Fenris is here!”. He heard footsteps running to the door. She opened it and greeted him with a curtsy, the way Orana had taught her.

“Hi, Cecily.” He smiled and bowed back to her.

“My Mama's teaching me magic!” That was new.

“...Yes, I heard about that. Where IS your mother?”

“I'm really good at it! Let me show you!” 

Fenris flinched involuntarily. 

Cecily didn't seem to notice. She crouched down and placed her palm flat on the floor. She furrowed her brow in concentration. Ice crystals started radiating out from her hand, until there was a fine layer of frost covering a small part of the floor. “Look! I'm getting better!”

Fenris stepped away from the ice. She was looking at him expectantly. “That's... good?” he said awkwardly.

Cecily beamed.

“Just... remember, magic is dangerous.” Hawke wouldn't be upset with him for saying that, would she? Even she couldn't ignore the harm that magic could cause. 

Cecily rolled her eyes. “I know, Mama already told me that over and over.”

He smiled. “You should listen to your mother. She's a good mage.”


	8. Act 3 Part 1

Marian's mother had told her stories about noble children who had armies of tutors and instructors. All the children filled their days with lessons, she said, in order to learn everything they would need to know for their future lives as high-society adults. As Cecily turned seven, Marian wondered what her mother would think of her granddaughter's life now. Marian and Fenris continued to help Cecily learn reading and writing and math, and Orana had been teaching her how to play the lute since before she turned six. Additionally, Cecily was now receiving magic lessons from Marian and Anders, and "how to be an elf" lessons (which apparently also included magic) from Merrill. Cecily was very busy, but her schedule was packed enough to keep her out of trouble so Marian considered this a good thing.

Isabela came back. She just appeared suddenly, as if she'd never left. Merrill and Anders seemed happy about this.

Many people in Kirkwall wanted Marian to become the next Viscount, even though she was strongly opposed to the idea. She tried to explain to Fenris that it wasn't only because she'd have to ally with the templars in order to accomplish this. “You know I don't really get along with templars—except for maybe Carver—so it would take a lot of work that I wouldn't be willing to do in order to get their support. But more importantly, I don't think I'd want the job itself. There's too much responsibility and attention.”

“You would also be one of the most powerful people in Kirkwall. That isn't attractive to you?”

Marian smiled a bit. “It surprises you when I'm not power-hungry, doesn't it?”

Fenris looked embarrassed but he didn't respond.

“I really don't want power, though, and I definitely don't want to be in the spotlight. You know I never set out to be Champion, I just want to be safe and free and be there for Cecily and heal people.”

“Power brings security. If you were Viscount, you and Cecily WOULD be safe.”

“It wasn't very safe for the last Viscount. Or his child, for that matter.”

Fenris finally chuckled at that. “You do have a point.”

“Look, I see what you're saying, but it's not worth it, at least not right now.”

 

Marian went with Fenris, Isabela, and Anders to the Wounded Coast to rescue a nobleman's daughter who turned out to have already been rescued by Feynriel. Marian was excited to hear that Feynriel was still alive, and apparently hadn't turned evil. She wanted to ask the woman how Feynriel was doing, but then more bandits attacked and the woman went back to Kirkwall. 

Marian checked after the fight to see if anyone needed healing. “What the-... Anders!” she said abruptly. 

“Yes?” He walked toward her. “Is everything all right?”

“So I guess you and Isabela are sleeping together, again?” 

Anders calmly said “Yes” at the same time that Fenris glared and Isabela laughed.

“What tipped you off?” Isabela asked. “I didn't think mindreading was your thing.”

Marian ignored her and turned to Anders. “It makes sense—I was wondering why you've been so relaxed, lately. I'm happy for you, I promise, just please warn me next time? That's a little too much information.” She noticed that Fenris looked shocked, for some reason.

“You don't have to check me over, you know.” Anders pointed out.

“Sorry, it's just a habit. I'm used to doing that for everybody.”

Fenris stalked over to where Marian was standing. “Hawke,” he muttered angrily, “Explain what is going on.”

“I use magic to check everybody after a fight is over. I always do that, just in case someone is injured. Anders here,” she looked over at him, “is fine except for bite marks all over his body and bruises around his wrists.” She paused and continued to look at Anders thoughtfully. “Wait, if it was Isabela then why are there micro-tears in your anus? ...Never mind, I think I figured it out.”

Isabela laughed even harder. 

“You can tell all of that?” Fenris asked.

“How do you think I always know exactly where you're injured from across the battlefield?”

“I suppose I never thought of that.” He still looked uncomfortable.

 

Soon after that, Marian found herself going on an increasingly bizarre and frustrating scavenger hunt throughout Kirkwall that ultimately led her to a cousin who she hadn't even known about the existence of. Charade was friendly and not afraid to fight, which made her nothing at all like Gamlen. Marian invited Charade to come to her house and meet Cecily afterward.

The visit went well. Cecily seemed to like Charade immediately. Charade commented that she'd always wanted children of her own, but she hadn't met the right man yet.

She stayed to talk and drink tea after Cecily had gone to bed. “So I've been thinking,” Marian said after she finished confirming and denying the various rumors about her, “Your mother raised you and you never even knew your father, but you seem happy and healthy. Being raised by a single mother obviously didn't ruin your life. That's encouraging.”

Charade laughed. “Yes, I'm all right. My mother worked very hard, like you do.”

“But you went through a lot of trouble to meet your father, so you must've felt like you needed to know him. That worries me. I have no idea where Cecily's father is, or if he's even alive.”

“I do wish that my mother had told me about Gamlen sooner.” Charade paused to take a drink. She looked thoughtful. “I suppose the only advice that I can give you about Cecily is to answer her questions as well as you can. She might want to try to find her father someday, or she might not. The best thing you can do is to make sure that she knows you love her and support her either way.”

“That makes me feel better, thank you.”

 

When Fenris told Marian about the invitation he'd received from his sister, they both knew that it was a trap, but she understood that he couldn't _not_ go to meet her. Marian promised to have his back, no matter what happened. 

A part of her hoped that she was just being cynical and that everything would go well, but it turned out to be even worse than she'd feared. It was bad enough that Danarius tried to take Fenris by force, but they also found out that Fenris' sister had betrayed him for her own gain. Varania didn't seem to feel any regret about what she had done. To make things worse, she asked Marian to “tell him to stop” when she realized that Fenris intended to kill her.

 _You're not making a good case for yourself here_ , Marian thought. _Why are you assuming that I can control him?_ She managed to convince Fenris to spare her, anyway.

Marian tried to comfort Fenris afterward, but he said that he needed to think. They went back to their respective homes. 

She spent the rest of the evening worrying about Fenris and wondering if she had made the right decision about his sister. She couldn't think of a reason for asking him to not kill her her other than “it was the right thing to do.” She knew that it wasn't because Varania was his sister. Betrayal by a family member was _less_ excusable than betrayal by a stranger, not more. Marian thought back to the time when she was convinced that Carver had betrayed her, and realized how petty it seemed now. 

It was true that Marian normally tried to avoid slaughtering unarmed people who were begging for mercy. She hadn't become that cynical, at least not yet. Still, she couldn't escape the feeling that she had done something wrong by talking Fenris out of killing his sister when she clearly didn't deserve mercy. Either way, it was done now. If Fenris decided to track her down and kill her anyway, Marian would support his decision, even though a small part of her hoped that they would eventually be able to reconcile instead. She and her brother spent years avoiding each other but they were now closer than ever. She realized that she wished the same thing for Fenris. As long as Varania was alive, there was still a small possibility that she and Fenris could one day be on good terms, which would enable him to recover some of his past. Maybe that, subconsciously, was why Marian hadn't wanted him to kill her. She didn't want him to lose that possibility forever.

She went to check on Fenris the next day. Marian was relieved to see him having a pleasant conversation with Isabela, but she was dismayed when he immediately went back to looking upset right after Isabela left. As far as Marian could tell, he had been ruminating since yesterday. She got the feeling that killing Danarius had been his only goal for so long that he didn't know what to do with his life now that it was done. He complained about magic briefly, but she didn't pursue it and he dropped the subject.

Marian made a vague reference to hoping that she and Fenris would “stay together” and then cringed, hoping that he would understand that she meant she wanted him to continue to fight alongside her and remain her friend. They weren't “together” in any other sense of the word.

Fenris just smiled at her and brought up the time they had slept together, years ago. She'd assumed that he put it out of his mind a long time ago because they had never discussed it. Marian felt guilty when she realized that Fenris had thought about sex with her when he was deeply upset. Were the two ideas that closely linked in his mind? 

“I remember your touch as if it were yesterday.”

Marian looked down at her feet in shame. She'd tried to avoid touching him since then, but she hadn't realized that he was still so traumatized by the memory.

She looked up at Fenris and was surprised to see that he didn't look angry. He was asking for her forgiveness, actually. For what? For sleeping with her in the first place, or for only doing it once? Either way, he obviously hadn't done anything wrong. 

Fenris brought up the pain and memories again, and said that it had been “too much.” Marian wasn't sure why he insisted on talking about this. She supposed that it might be cathartic for him to get everything out in the open after avoiding it for years.

She told him that she understood, because she always had. 

He said that he would be with her in the future, which was what she had been hoping for. Marian was about to respond, when Fenris completely caught her off guard by stepping forward to kiss her. 

She made a surprised noise in the back of her throat and lost her balance momentarily, but then she mentally shrugged and decided to just go along with it. She held on to Fenris' waist for support and kissed him back, sliding her tongue in beside his. He pressed his body against hers and moaned in response. The smell and taste and feel of him were exactly the same as she remembered. 

Eventually, they stopped kissing long enough to pull their heads back and look at each other. Fenris had a sweetly affectionate and happy expression on his face that Marian had never seen before.

“What?” she asked stupidly. “What was that?”

His face fell instantly, and he removed his hands from where they had been softly cupping her face. Marian felt awful and panicky as she frantically tried to figure out how to make him look happy again.

“I misunderstood you. My apologies.” Fenris sounded calm but his eyes refused to meet hers.

“No-what? No!” she spluttered at him. “I mean, It was nice to kiss you and I'd like to do it some more, but I don't understand why... I didn't think you wanted to.”

“I want you, Hawke.” He looked up at her, almost timidly. “I want to be with you, if you'll have me.”

“You mean date me? Are you asking me out?”

“That's what I've been attempting to do, yes,” he said drily.

“Oh! Yes, of course, that would be wonderful!” Marian was no less confused, but she suddenly felt too elated to care. 

Fenris chuckled at her and moved his face in to rub their noses together briefly before tilting his head to catch her mouth in another kiss. They kissed some more, and she gestured toward his bed with a questioning look on her face. He smiled in response.

They walked toward the bed with their arms still around each other. Fenris lay down on it and then pulled her down on top of him. Marian hiked up her robes and straddled his body, sinking down until her groin was pressed against his erection. Fenris' hips pushed back against her and he shuddered at the contact, but then he looked into her eyes and smiled again. He lifted his hand to softly trail his fingertips down her cheek.

Marian leaned down to kiss him again. They continued like that for a while, alternating between soft and deep kisses while touching each other everywhere. She rocked her hips back and forth and he pressed his groin up to meet hers. Marian was hesitant to do anything beyond kissing and dry-humping because Fenris mentioned that intercourse had been “too much” for him. She certainly didn't mind what they were doing and Fenris seemed to be enjoying himself, but all the clothing they were wearing was starting to chafe. 

She finally pulled her head back. Fenris raised an eyebrow. “Sorry,” Marian said. “It's getting late. I should probably go back home.” Seeing the look of disappointment on his face, she added “You're welcome to come with me.”

“I would like that,” he said warmly.

 

They walked to Marian's house together. Cecily greeted them at the door. She didn't seem to notice that anything was different. Everything was outwardly the same, of course. Fenris ate dinner with Marian and Cecily, just the same as he had done so many times before. The food that Orana cooked was excellent, and Cecily spent most of the meal talking about books she was reading and all of her lessons, not noticing that Fenris was very quiet and avoided eye contact when she discussed the magic lessons. It was all so comfortable and familiar, except that everything was different now because she and Fenris were together. She caught herself smiling whenever she remembered that.

It seemed to take an eternity for Cecily to go to bed. Marian didn't want to ignore her in order to spend time with Fenris, and she definitely didn't want her daughter to see her dragging Fenris off to the bedroom, so she forced herself to wait.

Eventually, when Cecily was finally in her room (probably still awake and reading, but it was close enough), Marian asked if Fenris wanted to join her in her room. 

He hesitated, and there was a flash of anxiety, but he quickly smoothed his face into a smile. “Of course,” he said.

Marian bit her lip. “Look, it's anything you want, okay? We can just sit on the bed and talk. Or sit on the floor and talk, if the bed makes you nervous. Or stand there in silence. Whatever you want.”

She noticed that Fenris' shoulders relaxed slightly, and he allowed himself to be led to her room. Once they were inside, however, he went straight for the bed. Marian joined him on it. “So, what DO you want?” she asked.

Instead of answering, he reached out to stroke Marian's cheek before pulling her in for a kiss. She let him guide her down until they were both laying on their sides, still kissing. Their groins were pressed together and she could feel that he was already very hard. Marian pushed her body against his, and Fenris had to stop kissing briefly because he was moaning too much. It was incredibly thrilling to realize that she had this much of an effect on him. Fenris seemed so confident and happy as he held onto her hip and thrust against her body. She reached down to touch his erection and he froze. _Damn it._ She should have stuck with kissing and dry-humping.

“It's all right,” Fenris said. “You just surprised me.”

“This is okay?” Marian asked as she started to stroke him through his pants.

Fenris nodded.

“I have a request of you,” she said while her hand continued to move up and down.

Fenris smirked. “All right.”

“I want you in my mouth, please.” It was satisfying to watch Fenris swallow hard at the same time that she felt his erection pulse against her hand.

“How could I refuse such a polite request?” he replied.

She moved down between his legs while he rolled over to his back. Marian lifted his shirt off so that she could kiss his stomach before she started to pull down his pants. Fenris lifted his hips up to assist her. She thought about just shoving them down below his groin, but decided that it would be better to remove them completely. Marian couldn't help but notice that Fenris looked a little silly half-dressed. He seemed to think so too, because he sat up enough to take off his shirt. She felt somewhat jealous, but mostly lucky, when she realized that Fenris' body was STILL wonderfully toned and basically perfect.

Once Fenris was undressed, Marian lay down between his legs. She started by kissing everywhere she could reach and teasing him with little licks of her tongue. Fenris was deliciously responsive, just like she remembered, but there was an undercurrent of tension that wouldn't go away. Without warning, she wrapped her lips around the head and sank as far down the length of him as she could without gagging. Fenris made a beautiful whining noise in the back of his throat, and it sounded almost awestruck. Marian thought, smugly, that this was going to be over quickly.

She realized several minutes later that it actually wasn't. After some determined licking, sucking, and everything else that she remembered how to do, it was apparent that Fenris was enjoying the experience, but there didn't seem to be any sign of an imminent orgasm.

“Are you close?” she finally asked.

“...Not exactly.” Fenris sounded embarrassed. “That's not to say that this isn't very enjoyable, of course, but if your mouth is sore...”

It was, but Marian would never admit to it. “I won't stop unless you want me to. What do you want?”

“...May I thrust into your mouth?” he asked tentatively.

“Definitely.” Marian grinned at him, then moved her mouth back down.

Fenris used one hand to gently hold on to her hand. He gripped the bed with the other one and started moving his hips up and down. Marian wrapped her hand around the base of his erection so that he wouldn't choke her. 

It still took longer than Marian expected, but even if she was bothered by that (and she wasn't), Fenris was doing most of the work. She watched his hand clench and relax until eventually his thighs started to tense and he gasped that he was coming. Fenris moved his other hand from her head, but she kept it in place and sucked hard until she had swallowed everything.

“Thank you,” Fenris said after Marian finally glanced up at him. 

She crawled toward the head of the bed, smiling. 

“So what do you want?” he asked.

Marian thought for a moment. “I'd like your hands on me, if that's all right?”

“Of course.” Fenris looked her up and down. “Do you want help removing your clothes?”

“Nah, I got it.” She did have a lot of buttons, and she didn't want Fenris to deal with the hassle. Marian realized too late that this meant Fenris wouldn't be distracted by anything while she took her clothes off in front of him. She tried to do it quickly, feeling self-conscious. Marian relaxed somewhat when she noticed the happy expression on his face.

“Come here,” Fenris said once she was undressed. She climbed on to the bed and he embraced her. The skin-to-skin contact felt nice, and oddly comforting.

Fenris moved up into a sitting position. “Sit in front of me,” he instructed, guiding her so that she was sitting with her back to his chest. Fenris rubbed her thighs gently and moved his hands up until he was touching her clit. Marian sighed as her hips tilted upwards.

His other hand slid up her body toward her breast. Fenris gently flicked his fingers across her nipple. “You feel very good,” he whispered against her cheek. Marian's only response was an incoherent noise as she pressed back against him. They fit together nicely, she thought. It almost felt like being enveloped, especially when he hooked one of his legs around hers. “I am fortunate to have the opportunity to touch you.” She turned her head toward his, and he caught her mouth in a kiss. He held her like that, with one hand at her nipple and the fingers of his other hand alternating between rubbing her clit and thrusting into her. His mouth never stopped kissing hers. Marian could only squeeze her eyes shut and grab Fenris' thighs to try to stabilize herself against the onslaught of sensation that was almost too much, until it was just enough and she came against his hand.

Marian let her body slide down, so that she had to turn her head and look up to see Fenris. That was silly for a few seconds until it became awkward, so she rolled over and he lay down. They spent some time just looking into each others' eyes. Marian finally broke the silence. “How are you doing?” she asked.

She estimated that Fenris had about eight different emotions on his face in rapid succession, but at least half of them were positive. “I'm doing very well. Yourself?”

“I'm great.” She reached out to touch his shoulder and he shifted towards her. The last thing Marian saw was Fenris' eyes watching her before she fell asleep.

* * *

Fenris fell asleep quickly enough, but he woke up at least once per hour. Sometimes he only stayed asleep for a few minutes at a time. He wasn't used to sharing a bed with anyone, especially someone who wouldn't stop cuddling him in her sleep. At one point, he woke up with her head resting on his chest and he had to move out of the way so that he could breathe. Hawke grumbled and then snuggled up next to him. _So beautiful_ , he thought when he glanced down and looked at her face. It was surreal to see her right next to the lyrium in his skin.

The idea of sex and/or a relationship (or really, any kind of intimacy) was still difficult and terrifying, but it felt _possible_ for the first time that he could remember. It also helped that his memories had been coming back ever since he saw Varania. There were still large holes that would probably never be filled and many of the memories were painful ones, but the prospect of gaining and then suddenly losing memories was not so traumatic when they were resurfacing almost every day.

Fenris was relieved, and slightly proud of himself, when he woke up for probably the tenth time and saw that the sun was coming up. He'd had sex with Hawke (What they had done counted as sex, didn't it? Isabela said it did, and this was one of her areas of expertise) and he'd spent the night and everything was okay. It was different from the first time, when he had been passionate and carefree because he naively assumed that he would be able to handle it. Fenris was anxious and insecure this time, but also immeasurably grateful to Hawke for her kindness and understanding. He glanced over at her, and thought about how he wanted to kiss and lick her everywhere and fuck her until she couldn't remember how to speak anymore, and also how he wanted to just hold her like this and watch her sleep. It was thrilling to realize that he actually COULD do all of those things, now.

The next time that Fenris woke up, he saw that Hawke was awake and looking at him. “Good morning!” she said. “I'm happy to see you. Did you sleep well?” Her voice sounded cheerful, but her face looked concerned.

Fenris shrugged. He hadn't been able to stay asleep for any length of time, but it could hardly be considered a bad night.

Hawke leaned forward to kiss him, which led to lots of kissing and touching and Fenris ending up on top of her. He remembered what Hawke had said about not wanting power, and thought it was appropriate in this situation, too. She seemed happy to let him take the lead, even when that meant that he pinned her to the bed and teased her mercilessly with his hands and mouth until she was begging for his cock. 

He decided to tease her with that, as well. Fenris positioned himself at her entrance and used the wetness there to rub against her slit. Fenris was sure that he'd never been this hard before. The idea of intercourse was significantly less scary when it was only a thrust away, and the overwhelming desire he felt was very effective at blocking out fear.

He shuddered involuntarily as he moved his hips back and forth very slowly, careful not to penetrate her yet.

“Fenris, please!” Hawke whined.

“Very well,” he replied. It was time to have mercy on both of them. He reached down to reposition himself so that he was angled to enter her-

“Hi, Fenris! Why are you here?” It was Cecily's voice.

Fenris swore loudly.

“What does that mean?”

“Close the door, Cecily! Give us a minute!” Marian said while she frantically tried to pull the bedspread over both of them. 

Fenris heard the door shut. 

Marian looked incredibly guilty. “I'm sorry! I could've sworn that I locked the door last night. I am so sorry!”

Fenris forced himself to stop glaring and kissed her. “It's all right,” he said.

He got up to look for his clothes. As he was bending over to pull his pants on, he glanced over to see Hawke doing the same thing. They made eye contact and laughed. It really was all right, he thought.


End file.
